B
ill goes for coffee at Starbucks and makes a
list for Tuesday.  He's going to Fort Vancouver Regional Library to return
King Henry IV.  He's going to the Senior Center for coffee and computer and
community, oh, and today's Oregonian.  He's going for breakfast at Carls.
He's going to settle the third party thing at T-Mobile.  He's going to
call Comcast and insure the contract is no longer than 6 months.  He may go
to a movie, he may buy a foot-long.  Mundane occupations, but necessary.  On
the Web, he will play chess, check his email, edit and update The Delimiter
and consult Meetup.  And edit and update The Calculator.  Each function user
interface shall be easy on the eyes, easy to use and similar.  Include a
reference and a pictorial and a link back to the directory.

Bill goes back to town on the 44.  He joins others on the bus.  Bill is tired
of being Bill.  Mentally challenged.  Devorah assured him the tests conclude
he is highly intelligent.




Bill is here today, was here yesterday and will be here tomorrow.  Bill fears he
will never see inside Mystic again.  But it is not true.  Maybe tonight he he have
money to visit.  Take heart Bill.  And he will seclude himself at the airport this
time to give the police no reason to hound him.  All the hookers he's written to
at Backpage have been nice despite Bill's constent emails, queer demands
and childishness.

Bill loves Lisp.  He wrote over 200 routines.  He lost the software for all time.
He paid only $400 for it.  C++ is fabulous but he lost the software too.  And he
cannot quite get Javascript yet.  He needs to put more concentrated time into it.
It will give rewards.  Bill has finally found a series of chat rooms online he can
participate in.

HOME 10 Neecee K Apr 11 (4 days ago) to me T hat was a pick of a gent I was in a relationship with in 2006. ;) Before I played in this naughty game Sir. And yes, there was a collar and blindfold and all kinds of things used with him but we had been together and built trust for some time before a blindfold and restraints came in to play. But boy was it fun! As for your place or mine. I'm sure that was a rhetorical question vs serious right? I'm happy to do OUTCALLS but for he most part keep it to InCalls. Depends on your preference really. I'm happy to accommodate though Mr Bill. Especially with a gent who likes my lipstick and wants to please, lol! Love that!! You just let me know when. If you wanna come play tomorrow I'm available from 7am-11am btw, just saying..... Hehe!! Kisses to you and if I don't have the pleasure of your company tomorrow morning, I hope you have sweet dreams tonight. Xxx HOME 9 F orget Mishen I have Aubrie. She let me suck her toes and lick her feet. She'd never done it before. "When you said 'When can I get your shoes off...'" Just Aubrie and Bill. From the bar he spots her on the stage. Aubrie: "Come get me anytime." "What do I do?" "Just take off your top and give me your feet." That'll be another twenty. The old guy wraps his arm around her, she's standing next to him. He runs his fingers up and down her waist. The fan suspended from the ceiling spins and rocks. She sees the customer sit at the stage, she goes to him. The bartender's tough don't piss her off. Alex said she'd let me take her to a movie. "I'm going to be right back, so don't go." Mystic is fertile ground. He lays a 5 between her legs. Aubrie goes through the door with a guy dressed and purse over her shoulder. Bill is determined to spend all his money. Let's see what's behind that bra. Just another pair of tits. The guys of Portland come into Mystic. She scatters her clothes on the stage floor. Aubrie's making lots of money. It's gang watching here at Mystic. "I'm naked." Trinity County. A thousand in a night. "Hi are you staring at me?" The bounser surveys the scene. Alex pulls her panties aside. It's pleasure house. "You owe me dinner." Mystic is open 'till eight. Night at Mystic. Alex runs around in a circle her nipple on Bill's lips. The old man with a beard walked in and was carded. Lots of girls. He planned to drink a beer and maybe watch a girl. He was checking the new place out. He was unwanted in another. "I take them off in a dance.", says Sydney to the old man. The Costa Rica girl walks by Bill at the bar and sees he's interested. She gets very close rubbing her body against him. She wraps her arm around him and he does the same. They get cheek to cheek. Soon they are walking together to the cumfy chair past the curtains. Bill sits with his legs apart. The girl sits in his lap. They wait for the next song. Bill hands her a twenty. "You could have gven that to me after." She takes off her shoes then every thing else. She knees Bill's crotch, he grows between his legs suddenly. She rubs his dick with her foot and uses her hand to feel and hold it. "OH!" She moves in and closes her tits around Bill's cheeks. Mystic. The going donation is a dollar a dance. Beer 2 dollars. Bill can handle that. IT'S OVER! Ava humiliates Bill. She doesn't like the first explicate story. Her girls will not be subjected to trash, they are quote Ladies. "What you do in your personal life is your business but you are not going to bring them in here." HOME 8 H awthorne Strip is the portal to erotisism. "What the fuck." While Ava plays with her things behind the bar and eyes the customers for trouble Bill watches Alice on stage. Naked but her shoes back to her audience outstretched left arm holding the pole light comes through her crotch dispite her thighs locked closely together. Bill leaves the house at 10. He could walk to Seatle's Best but elects not. Every building in Portland competes for the stratosphere. Bill sits and across the table from the cute college girl both on their computers while an employee wipes down counters and and tables. The articulated lamps on the table share intimacy with each other. Hollywood theatre is featuring Nymphomaniac Volume 1, Bill is there to see it. He thinks he has hold of one online through Craigslist. Or is Bill just stupid. He tells Holly he is not well but he does a lot of things anyway including back at home changing the background on the computer to a beautiful babe in open shirt on her bed in black brief panties showing off her feet large screen in color from metcafe.com. Only when Bill is awake in his mind is a stream of sentences made of words. Bill has a right to be horny he too is a nimphomaniac. He cannot anymore. It has taken 6 years in Portland to find the Avivitar coffee shop next door to Hollywood thetre they have tables and wi-fi. When Bill gets back from his trip he's going to hire the services of a stripper to perform in his pad. Hopefully she'll take off all her clothes and let Bill suck her toes. He'll just wait and see. He will either meet her downstairs against the wall in the lobby or in a chair or outside the doors. And join her in the elevator to the 4th floor or just let her come to the door. Once inside he'll introduce her to the bed and offer her a vodka or beer. Then he'll cross his legs and sit on the floor and beg for forgiveness. After a long half hour of plesure for both of them he will pay her handsomely. Is Bill fooling his psychitrists or is he really nuts. The stay at Camarillo State Hospital was real. The unending visits to the psyche wards was real. The weekly panic attacks were real. But he cannot stop feeling he is conning everybody. If that's how he thinks then he is really nuts. The bed is made. There is bread from Trader Joes in the bag. There is electricity to write the story. There is Mississippi to move to. There is Holly and the Senior Center to leave behind. There is Ava to send stories to. Bill has many reasons to leave Portland and start a new life. But there is one more. Bill is a writer. He clears a space off and opens his notepad. Puts his glasses on picks up his pen. If he is going to write a novel he's got to learn about plot. He could start with when he would masterbate in the dollar theatre. He would wait until 2 or 3 girls would shuffle down the row of seats because there were no others. He pushes his pants and underwear down to his anckles. It was dark. The movie meant nothing he was concentrating on the feet and toes of the girl beside him her feet on the seat back in front of her. Bill's wife kicked him out of the house for the night and his usual recourse was a motel or a movie. He would later turn to exhibitionism. Whenever he's at his computer and the background is up he says "Hi beautiful to his babe." Four hundred dollar bills lay on the table next to the chair one half of the cost of Bill's trip. HOME 8 T hen he closes his eyes first he thinks then he dreams. The Report on Bill's state: Bill has been seeing Ava practically every week for 6 months. She serves him beer at a local strip club and she backs him up emotionally. Confident of his energy and potential. Bill's been sharing lunch with Holly 3 months at the Senior Center. She's making eyes at him and locking him in the apartment with her. Bill has had his computer 2 months. He has done some fascinating things on it. He has canceled Comcast, T-Mobile, the computer service and the housekeeper saving Integrity Plus lots of money. He spends time with his computer at the Senior Center and at the Airport. He spends 2 hours everyday on a library computer in Hillsdale. Bill has lived at Hamilton West 5 years and plans to do so indefinitly. He sees Leslie the social worker every 4 weeks. He takes his meds, recieves a check every week and rides the Streetcar, bus and MAX. T omorrow I get to see Alice and her beautiful unadorned feet. At Hawthorne Strip. Saturday is the day I go. Ava serves me beer and keeps me off the floor. She goes for a smoke. Holly, Gracie, Bill and company meet at noon at O'Conner's for something to eat. Bill missed a day at Senior Center meals. He was deathly sick. Bill has been living in his adobe 5 years and is most happy there. He would like to see his son come to Portland but Bill supposes he cannot leave his beach behind. Bill submitted the Express Wetsuit Web site to the owners nad hopes for 2 hundred dollars, his fee. He added a background image of the ocean water, sound and a cool image input frame and menu. Thanks to Justin for the reference. Hawthorne Strip will be a party. Mishen is sad Bill swithed to Alice's feet. Bill is a cad. Bill gets Ava angry at him when he snaps "another beer." There is a mirror in the restroom Bill cannot help but observe. The 2 beers and then 2 large Mountain Dews makes Bill sick. Bill adds sound to Alice's page too. Bill searches the Web for "I need someone to talk to, NOW." He gets very lonely esspecially at night. Bill will not go to another session with a licensed clinical social worker. Taht is what Leslie's been getting at. Bill is cured! He has a giant phobia of being revealed a wannabe Jehovah's Witness.But now he realizes it and has ventured into strip clubs and the senior center where he delicatly tries to fit in. All the while fearing he will be exposed but he ignores the fear. The exhibitionist thing is a crutch to help him cope. T hanks for the drinks and the dance.", Ava tells Bill. "I've called a cab." "I hope you'll go home in a cab tonight and not a bus." Ava does her 3 and walks down the aisle between the tables and the bar and the stools. She passes Bill and sits on the stool next to him. "Did you know I was dancing tonight?" Bill feigns ignorance and confesses. Bill plies Ava for information about her homeless work. Ava says: "I'll be right back." Bill is served his hotdog. Ava is back. "I'm up, eat your hotdog." Bill eats his hotdog and joins Ava at the stage. Bill goes to his stool and Ava joins him. Serena joins them. "They pull bananas out of their vagina in Thailand." Ava's up again and the 3 go to the stage. Ava dances and strips. Bill hands Serena bills to flip at Ava. "Let's have a private dance, I'll sit on your lap." Bill says yes, Ava is pleasantly surprised. "Are you comfortable?", Bill asks Serena. They watch beautiful Ava. The dance is over, Bill hands Ava 2 twenties and picks up his beer from the floor. What a night at Hawthorne Strip. Bill and Ava and Serena. "You have to budget better for me.", Ava informs Bill from behind the bar looking at him honestly. Bill cannot budget. 0fcourse he wishes it wasn't a necessity. He will be saving for her cowboy boots. Who else does he have to buy things for. Bill turns on the right burner and fries 2 eggs. He pops 2 pieces of bread into the toaster. He prepares dinner. Bill slat and peppers his eggs and sits in front of the TV. HOME 7 B efore Bill can write a ticket inspector drops by. "Not a good thing to do." Mike texts Bill. Seems Holly is a worldly associate. And mixing is taboo. But Holly makes Bill. But Holly makes Bill feel good and keeps him out of bed and asleep. Roxanne. She gives Bill a lap dance at Kit Kat. "If I'm going to get a lap dance I'll get it at the Kit Kat Club." Roxanne smothers Bill with love and introduces her nipple to his cheek. Plus she wears no shoes and thinks her feet are pretty. And Bill agrees. "Thanks Bill." Bill tosses dollars on the stage. Two seconds later as Bill is leaving the chair at the stage Ava says, "Hi.". Alice and Mishen are missing. Boo hoo. Bill finishes 2 beers. "I see you are quite involved in your computer." Gary invites Bill to the table just the same. Six old guys bull shit. Holly comes over early Saturday. She and Bill watch Robocop 1 and 2. Periodically Bill checks movement at his 3 chess games at Chess.com. Bill cracks a window open and Holly puts on more clothes. Kit Kat doesn't open until 5 on Sunday. Bill waits 45 minutes for a cab Saturday night. He calls Radio Cab which knows they missed him and Bill is irate when the dispatcher insists on Burger King and Bill slams the phone shut. Another 6 comes and takes Bill home. Today Bill has achieved. He's solved the drop cap dilemma. And created an overlay for a web page. He's added Hawthorne Strip's Journal to Ava's page. And he plays better chess. He's had the discussion with his brother on the conflict between the "Truth" and living a life. The "Truth" is the interpretation of the Bible by Jehovah's Witnesses. Bill has lived with it all his life. It has interfered with Bill's living and forced him into exhibitionism. To salve the pain and shame when he gets to Portland. HOME 6 T he pole goes from the stage floor to the ceiling, The bar is full. Bill sits on a chair and watches the girls. The guys are courious. Bill, Bill, Bill. Holly calls and deposits a voice mail. The booth with the curtain is occupied by two sinners. Bill sips his beer. The babetender prepares the schedule of dancers for next week. Bill places the fortune cookie on the bar. The babetender sips her water. Ricky Nelson is on the speakers. Daphnie goes barefoot on the stage. She and Alice and Carter arrive at 8 to dance. Bill has been at Hawthorne Strip since 6:30 and he will miss the fun. He goes to Starbucks in the morning. He goes home on the 6 last night and the wind rocks the bus while it waits for the draw bridge to lower. He stops at Safeway for eggs and bread. The clock requires no Javascipt in the document making a few simple lines long. The day is bright and possesses promise. Bill writes in his spiral binder. The drop-down menu script is long. But the links are simple to insert in the html and straight forward. Ava sits at the bar after her shift. Bill walks up and squeezes her arm good-bye. "Bye Bill." Alice says she read part of his story. She plays two Regina songs and Bill is pleaed. Bill is a no-where man. He prefers it that way, he blows in the wind. A tall glass of water. He joins the coffee drinkers at Starbucks Pioneer Square. He dreams of a flight to Alaska some day. The young and old meander together. The sum of Bill's experiences is Bill. The masses walk on two legs like ants the gods looking down on them. Ava is taking Bill for a ride. Bartender and stripper she is in it for the cash Bill doesn't apprehend. But Bill likes the ride and so Bill takes the ride. Bill tries to be a good boy but the inclination is otherwise. HOME 5 T he naked world of Hawthorne Strip. "Ava, who's jacket is that?" Bill hangs his jacket over the chair back. Mission worries someone left it. On their stools Mission and Bill have a long discussion about feet and Effexor. Seems Bill has a fetish he can talk to her about without shame. Also they discuss Effexor. Bill takes pills for depression which takes from him the mechanics of sex. The bar gets longer the more Bill drinks. "No sex.", says Mission. Mission's nipples stare at Bill as she dresses at the end of the bar. Bill adjusts his butt on the stool. The guy and girl play pin ball on the 2 machines. Ava pulls the Hamms cans from their captors. Ava digs in the drawer for change. She counts out ones. "Are you sure?" Bill gives her something to buy boots. Bill grabs candy, Ava just filled the jar. Bill's ready for another beer. The music plays. Customers come and go. Players dribble the ball back and forth on the court on the 2 TV's. "Any tennis?", Bill asks Ava. Bill spent 3 semesters at college learning the correct way to play. Ava lives behind the bar. From Canada and Maine, introducing Daphnie. Daphnie radiates alure on the stage, spinning on the pole. Taking what little she has on, off. Bill leans on the bar. He's been to Daphnie twice. She wraps her legs around the pole and twirls to the floor. The ones keep coming. The big guy throws a five. Daphnie introduces herself to the 2 chinamen at the tip rail. She sits with an old gentleman at a table. She moves close to him, a white flower in her hair. "This is not Starbucks music." Mission goes up to dance. "Do you want another beer?", Ava asks. The 8 o'clock dancers file in. It's Bill's cue to leave. Mission spreads her legs. Feather plays a game at the end of the bar. HOME 4 T he first sign of Bill's anemia is blindness in the morning walking out the apartment building. His sight returns only to go again at the Yamhill/10the Avenue streetcar station beside the new coffee shop. He imagines his way in, sight coming and going, barfs in a bag and asks the clerk to summon an ambulance. He climbs on the strtcher. At the hospital, he gets an infussion of iron and he's okay. Thereafter he's on iron pills life-long. HOME 3 T he Max takes Bill home. His back is killing him. He plans the next 3 days leading up to the Hawthorne Strip visit. He's out of money, so their is no airport trip tomorrow. The Max makes it's way to Gateway. He needs a mouse for the netbook. He'll buy a case and speakers Saturday. He plans to put away $20 for Ava's dance. :) The $12 haircut by Bree turned out well. Jessica was not there, so they couldn't talk about things. The Portland Outdoor Store web page is ready to copy/ laminate and offer to Red at the store. Bill still cannot right click on his computer. :( Saturday, if all goes well, Bill plans to cash his check at Safeway, eat a steak at Dancin' Bear or Lucky Devil and buy a case and speakers and, finally visit the inestimable Hawthorne Strip for fun and entertainment. If Ava will let him in. HOME 2 T he crowd of men, homeless and unfortunate mingle outside St Stephen's Parish. Bill passes through them on the way home. He's spent an hour and a half on the computer at the airport until it died for lack of juice. He and Holly talked on the phone, she called him. Dinner at the center was sloppy joes. He texted his brother and son one text today: "Carnal Ambitions". The interchange with Holly reminds Bill of the training he has drilled into him all his life to avoid getting chummy with the infidal. But Bill is beginning to abandon the idea and see what is hopeful in everyone. Bill is imagining the juicy burger at Lucky Devil tomorrow. Hopefully he will get 2 checks in the mail. He may have enough to get a computer mouse in addition to the speakers and case. He was going to get a new doctor at OHSU today but he is putting it off, feeling better. He sees Daphne on the bus going to a comedy show. She raises her eye lids and says, "Bye Bill.", as she leaves through the back door at the MLK/Bridge stop. The Hamilton West newsletter is taped to Bill's door. He pulls it off and puts the key into the door. It's late, will he watch his Detective Morse DVD? Holly asks Bill: "Can you get yourself off?" Bill's been on pills 5 years and cannot perform sex. They arrange trips to Walmart and OSHU over the phone. Bill is at the library in an aisle his computer on a table within sight. Bill tries to make his own link/icon on 8.1 Start page. No can do. Bill stops again at Lucky Devil for a beer and Mishen but Mishen worked the early shift. A stripper stands on one arm and holds the pole with her other hand. For 14 dollars Bill gets dinner, a beer and 3 dances. It's French, Ruin La Roux. The bathroom is quaint, it has graphity all over on the walls. Bill sees Ava on the other side of the bar but she's not there. Ruin asks Bill, "Have you been here before?", wearing no top. The bartender snips a picture on her phone of Ava's web site address Bill writes on the sheet he's writing on. (https://btlsp2000.tripod.com/test/ava.html) HOME 1 va goes for a smoke.

Weaverville(Photo)

150
Home
Bill is a toad.
He has lots of stuff,
Mostly fluff.
He fills his days
With what's before,
Lost in JW lore.
He takes the train to a place urbane
To see his Mom on Melissa Lane.
He sees his sons,
One by one.

Bill walks onto the Beaverton train.  Heads to the library.
Bill allows the thoughts in his head control him.  He enjoys
a session of Missy Higgins, while he plays chess and modifies
his journal seated at a computer terminal.

147
Home
Bill takes the bus to the Senior Center.
It drizzles in Multnomah Village and dry
in Portland.

Bill visits Magic Saturday night, but the
crowd is too loud and he takes the MAX to
Dancin' Bare.  No one there he cares to watch,
so He has a beer and eats the special steak platter
for $5.  Lola walks by and pats Bill on the shoulder.
Nothing of interest at the movies.

Bill walks into Perfect Looks for a hair-cut.  He tells the
barber to take it all off and trim the beard.  She does so.
Bill tips her.

The 2 knocks at Bill's door around 9 PM scares Bill.
He gets out of bed and hurries to the door only
in time to see the shadow of the lower leg of a man
entering the elevator through the eye in the door.



Bill is confined to his bed in the mornings,
two weeks.  The result of his depression.
Dispite being on four drugs.  Last night
he appears to be snapping out of it.  He
made a to-do list.  Bill eats breakfast at the Mission, something he has not done
in many moons.  And he plans a trip to St Francis in the afternoon.  He is using
the 6 bus line more to get out of the neighborhood he is moved to.  He hopes to
move again into an apartment closer to transportation.  The lag time to get on
the road is frustrating.  He may see what Sia can do to relieve the pressure.



Bill is sitting in the Senior Center, a member plays
a Christmas tune on the organ.  Talia is on Bill's mind.
She enjoys showing off.  He may eat dinner at St Fransis.
He eats a Steak and Egg Burrito at Carl's and picks up meds
refills at the clinic.  He will go home and look at the
empty mail box and watch Bones on TV.

Bill spends all of Sunday in bed.  He rises Monday and heads
to the Senior Center, after a bath and a bowl of cerial.
He takes his Prozac and Lamictal.  He sees Anna, Friday, in
the morning.  He has stopped playing chess on the Internet.
He gets paid and instead of visiting Magic, which he
deperately wants to do, he sees 2012 at the Lloyd Center 10.
What a depressing movie.  Everyone dies.

146
Home
Monday.  Bill wakes late and visits the Senior Center.  He stays,
until closing.  His mind is ok.  He missed a day of Haldol.  He
heads to St Fransis dining hall for dinner.  Malcolm is upset Bill
stopped calling 3 months past.  And Mike.  Mom is always crying.
Lydia needs a knee replacement.  Bill is in Portland.  The Redding
feeling is beginning.  Surviving and trapped.  The laptop has a virus.
Bill doesn't care.  Pornography doesn't interest him.  He's more
focused on life.  A strip club, now and then.  Bill's in Portland.

For a trip to San Diego, Bill will need a sleeping bag and 2 weeks
of his $75 stipend.  He will hitchhike.  It will take days, one way.
He could make a trip to Seattle, money for a room.  Maybe $40.  And
a sleeping bag for an emergency or change of plan.  Bill should be
easy on the kids, they struggle.  They are good boys, Wesley, too.
And Lydia is a good woman, sometimes.  Angela is great.

At the end of his lease, Bill will find another room.  Closer to
transportation. The Metropolitan.  Or leave.  For Alaska or
Albuquerque.  Staying in one place is scary.  He is in Portland.
He eats with the homeless and drunks at St Fransis.  He is deficient.

149
Portola.  Portola is cool.  Especially in March and April, when
Bill drives into town.  He comes from Truckee, where he spends a day.
In Portola.  The cops catch up to Bill.  "There it goes!", Bill is
aghast, his truck is being towed out of town, while he sits in the
local Subway, eating a sandwich.  You see, Bill's license is
incorrectly suspended in Reno.  And his apartment is taken away.
In Portola, Bill is befriended at the Kingdom Hall and the local
food pantry.  He visits nearby Quincy for a lawyer to get back his
license.  He sets up house keeping in one of the two motels in town.
Thanks to a generous loan from Mom.

145
The Path to Portland:
Bill looks below his reading glasses and reaches for a fry.

Reno

Portola

Redding

Weaverville

Medford

Portland

143
Come Thursday, Bill is composing his
Saturday To-do List.

Lay around apartment
Check mail
Cash check at Safeway
Buy Starbuck's coffee
Buy Famous Star
Buy Groceries
Deposit $5 to BofA
See a movie or visit Magic

Bill's got a routine.  Saturday, payday/party time.  Wednesday is slow.
Senior Center plays Bingo.  Sunday is slow, hasn't been to a Kingdom
Hall in months.  Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Senior Center.  Sunday is
laundry day.  Thursday, Bill is at the Senior Center in the morning
and afternoon, with a trip to JOIN, in between.  The schedule seldom
varies.  Medical appointments are fit in.



It's October 1st.  Bill replaces the September Trimet pass with the
October.  Yesterday.  Bill wakes late and runs out the door.  He goes
to the Senior Center for an hour on the computer, before Bingo
monopolizes the room.  He stops at St Michael's for a sandwich at 11.
He travels to the Vancouver Mall and spends an hour on the computer.
He's ahead of schedule, St Francis and dinner, not until 5.  He stops
at home and gets the Internet working on his computer, the Comcast
technician, Kevin wasn't able to.  Bill is handy, sometimes.  After dinner
it's home to more computer and a movie, Apocalypto.

140
Bill ponders his Fate, as he pulls from the mailbox the $75 check from
Integrity Plus.  It won't go far.  Voc Rehab places Bill in catagory 3,
significantly disabled.  Bill is in a quandry.  He, almost feels stuck,
again, like in Redding.  There, he had nothing, but the heat of April
through June.  A truck, but no gas, a Payee, but no money.  Hope, but
no promise.  Captive and no release.  This time it's Portland, a big city.
Bill is a failed JW, with no where to go and nothing on the horizon.

He drinks a cup of coffee at Starbucks.  He goes to Carls for a burger,
taking his coffee with him.  He did this, last Saturday.  This week, he
sees Dr Kim and Cathy and picks up a supply of meds.  Bill is taciturn,
as he looks at his tomorrows.  He's unwanted in the South and the North
calls him.  It's been calling him.



I, now, do not agree with the tenants of the JW's and I feel similarly re those of other
religions. I like the social and structure aspects of a church. Would it be
different to visit a Kingdom Hall, versus a church. No. Except the KH option, the
adherents will expect a performance and will not tolerate attendance, alone. Even,
if I inform them my mental condition precludes service. Can I make it work? How?
Is it conceivable, tenable? The church option, the rituals are, just, too
objectionable. Which is worse: KH, church or nothing, the present case. I am raised
a JW, which gives me some clout. I am baptized. 2 sons are publishers, Mother,
Anointed, Ex-wife, once a pioneer. Where do I fit in? 

It would be cannibalizing, a cheap shot, dishonest. For them and me. Woe is me. I must
think outside the envelope. Stab at anything. For the good of me. No one else, the
good of me.

144
Since Lydia leaves, Bill's been back and forth and all over the place.
He soon goes to Victorville, but stays only 9 months.  He goes North more
and stays in Mammoth Lakes and Lake Crowley 6 months.  Afterwhich he
spends a year in Carson City, Nevada at 3 jobs, Western Surveying, HUCK
and Southwest Gas.  He takes a job and moves to Fallon for a year and
5 months.  Afterwhich he goes to Colton to help his Mom, she has a stroke.
He stays there, untill he gets another job in Carson City, which lasts
4 months, the last part of which his Mother visits, but Bill loses the job
and they return, together to Colton.

Bill takes his Mom and Arlene to the Long Beach convention and gets an
email, about a job in Las Vegas.  He applies and gets the job, immediately.
He stays in a motel in Boulder City, while on the job.  2 weeks.  Bill
cannot fight his Schizo Affective disorder, takes another job in Adelanto,
CA.  It lasts 2 months during which the 9-11 disaster occurs.  Bill is
asked to return to SMI-Joist in Fallon.  He does.  He leaves, after a
disappointing job review.  He goes to work for R Scher a month and returns
to Colton.  He has a relapse and spends 72 hours in a hospital.  Afterwhich
he applies for and wins a protracted stint on Social Security.  He spends 4-1/2
years in Fallon.

He leaves Fallon and goes through Northern California and ends up in Portland,
Oregon.



Bill spends 13 years in San Diego with his Family.  The first year is fine.
Bill has a good job, the Family is happy.  The boys are in their new school
and Lydia is shopping.  In 1997, November,  Bill leaves San Diego for good.
He migrates to Nevada, works, loses a job, stays with his Mom in Colton,
between jobs.  In 2003 and until 2007, Bill resides in Fallon, Nevada.  He
meets Sylvia, who says she loves Bill.  Sylvia moves to South Carolina to
be with her daughter.  Bill moves on to California and Oregon, where he is
today.  Bill's depressed and sleeping a lot and has a Payee, again, after
getting into debt.  His Family shuns him, because he is amoral and
questioning his Faith.

Bill is relatively happy.  To be happier, he'd like to permanently resolve
the Religion dependence and get and keep a job, regularly.  And find a
better place to live.  He needs to respond more to his needs and wishes and
make better decisions.

139
Manifesto: 

Bill's not caught in the middle. He has no inclination to be a person of the world.
However he cannot make it as a JW. What is he to do? What does he do? He lets it
bother him and that's not good. He has enough respect for himself to not try and
fail to be a JW and receive second rate status among them. Yet he cannot force
himself to be otherwise. Devorah told him, not to fret about it. To be himself.
But he frets and refuses to be himself, at least he thinks he does. Perhaps he
is himself. He's steeled against calamity. 

Bill sits with coffee in Starbuck's. 

There is no place for someone like Bill in the Organization. He's not being difficult. Rod
and Dawna understood him and they're in Alaska. He could join them and receive
succor. He could find someone, else, who understands. He could be his own
church. How would that work? What he dislikes and cannot tolerate in the
Organization is the endless demands for conformity and the competition. If Bill
were a church unto himself, there would be zero competition and he would make his
own rules. Voila! His reception would be scoff, unless he kept it to himself. Which
he is doing, anyway. 

Perhaps he needs to make it formal. No rules, no competition, easy. He's an outcast from
the Organization, it's understood. He does not deny God. He's a good person. He
hurts no one. Believe in God, be a good person, hurt no one. God is pleased. Damn
the others. Bill will frame these words and repeat them daily or hourly. Leave me
alone and let me live in peace with myself and humanity. His father could somehow
find peace. "Are you still doing the Religion?", were his last words to Bill.



Bill visits St Francis for a meal.  14 September 2009.  He sees Anna in the morning.
She asks how he's been over the month, since they last meet.  "OK."  They go into detail.
The visit to St Francis reminds Bill of his homeless days.  He pines, 5 minutes for
the tree at night, where he sleeps.  He thinks about hitch-hiking to Southern
California to see Family, then considers Montana, instead.  Maybe a test trip to
Boise.  He'd ask Integrity Plus to mail his check to Justin and Malcolm.  Anna ups
the dose of Lamictal and Haldol.  She's concerned about his suicide idiations.  He
tells her about the near-leap, between the MAX cars at the platform under the
Burnside bridge.

"What do you do to stop you from killing yourself?", Anna.  "I force myself to be
optimistic about my future."  Anna suggests Bill visit Vocational Rehab on Powel.
He does and is told orientation is Tuesday, tomorrow, at 1:30.  Bill heads to the
Beaverton Library, after dinner.  He's going to miss episodes of "Bones".  He's
got to back-up the Delimiter file to Hotmail and include the acounts of Hanna and
Taunya with certian words "X'd" out to avoid the censor.  Bill wants a record.

141
Hello bill!!! I waited for your answer.. To me it is very pleasant that you have answered
me.My name is Yulia, I live in Russia in the city of St.-Petersburg!Yes
certainly I wish to get acquainted with you really. I the serious girl also  wish
find real the man which could to love me. I still have not found such the man!I
hope that you will seriously concern to my letter and to me!!!If you not against that
we could learn each other more... Tell about itself and  about the life! Also send
please the photos, and I shall answer you with huge  reciprocity.. For me very
important our acquaintance.I shall wait for your answer.
With good wishes Yuliya!

Hi my favourite!!! Why you do not write to me?! I think that you should understand me, I
want that you wrote to me more often! I wish to speak with you every day because we
should learn each other more!!! What do you think in this occasion?I want real love
and the present attitudes... I aspire and I wish to create the family, and it
seems to me that you that the man which are necessary to me. You remarkable the man
and I do not wish to lose you.I hope that you will answer me!!!!! I embrace also
the whole, yours Yuliya!

142
Home
I think my Mom is shunning me, now. She blacklisted my number on her phone. Now I have no
one. She is Anointed, so it's pretty heavy. They are the Brothers of Jesus in Heaven
and will be kings. Lord have mercy on my detestable soul, but I think the JW's
are mindless followers of a cult. A cult with a lot of Bible interpretation and
rules and spunk and power over the depressed or depressing the powerless. I
certainly feel mindless, incapable of escaping the connection they forged in me.
Holding to their doctrine implicitly. Damning all but the Faithful.

Bill's truck in the pines.


I should have stayed in Northern California, look at those pine trees. Now all I see are
city streets.



What am I supporting? 1)100 years of JW dogma; 2)The Bible, as represented by all Bible-
based religion. I am fighting subscription to 100 years of JW dogma and the Bible. I
can't seem to shake it, though I'd really like to try and would probably feel a lot

better. Will someone have the balls, the energy and the wisdom to save me? God knows
they've tried. Pro and con. If I give up this Herculean preoccupation, will I
die? Will I go crazy. Now or ever? What, exactly happens, when one loses all faith?

The Haldol I am on is relieving me of the tension re going v, not going to meetings. Thank
goodness, because going would just make me go mad again and end up in the ER and
experience a set-back I can little afford. I feel a need to get social somewhere.
Jaimie, she's a sweet, hot stripper at Soobies, she gave me her number and
invited me to take her to the movies, but she's after the bucks and it would lead
no where but the poor house and I am there already. But, as it is, I go to a movie
alone, very depressing.



I was close, again to attending the 10:15 service at the church across the street, Grace
Bible. I pick up free coffee and donuts, outside, Thursday mornings. I need
people contact from somewhere, anywhere. There is a KH two steps from the platform
of a station on the new Green Line MAX. Won't step out the door and walk over.
What am I to do? I reported to my therapist of more suicidal feelings. She's
worried. She wants me to call the hot line, when I get the feeling I want to
throw myself in front of the train or take a leap like Superman. I may call, I may
not. My new room is OK, but the building is sterile, the other residents are silent
and offer no social outlet. I was a lot happier in the run-down, bug infested
hotel downtown.

This is where I begin an urging to convert to Buddhism, set up a shrine and chant.



Each night, Bill goes to bed in 1212/404.  He needs a card to enter the
building door.  He taps it on the sensor.  He needs a key to enter the
apartment door.  He rotates it counter-clockwise, 1/4 turn.  Bill has
inhabited his shelter a month and some days.  It still feels new.  He
has a bed and a TV and kitchenware and a towel to dry, after a shower.

Bill cannot settle, because he cannot express himself, without pain.
Expressing himself allows him to be accepted.  Otherwise he is told he
is not wanted.  He learns this, disastrously, courting his first girl,
Debbie.  She stopped wanting him and stopped her attention.  But he was,
always having trouble and, still does.

10 September 2009.  Bill stops for coffee, outside the Grace Bible Church,
across the street.  He's on the way to the Senior Center and more coffee
and the computer.  He takes the streetcar, South-bound.  Bill plans a
trip to 162nd and 18th, in Vancouver, where the Ex-JW, MeetUp group
meets the 30th of September.  He plans to FAX Integrity Plus re the $29
on the phone bill that will be rescinded and ask for $45 for a jacket, at
JOIN, mid-day.

The 44 goes, slowly up Capital Highway, after leaving Barbur Blvd.  Bill's
been living in Portland a year and 3 months, with a stay, in between of
2 months in Southern California.  Bill's locked into his apartment,
another 4-1/2 months.

138
Bill boards the Yellow Line MAX for North Portland, his old neighborhood
for a foot-long, banana, rain jacket at Freddies, Starbucks coffee
and a haircut, after getting money from Safeway in his new neighborhood.
He decides to spend $3 on Pixar's Up and $16 on Magic.  Saturday is
shopping day.  Bill's been to the airport Online, made 2 chess moves
aqnd listened to Regina Spektor.  He's thought about his Family,
about the loans, about the sex preoccupation and MeetUp.  He's wet
from the rain.  The MAX stops at the Greyhound station, before
turning to cross the Willamette.  Bill's in Portland.  The mail comes
early.  Sunday is tomorrow.

For endless years he is at the Talk and Watchtower.  If he goes to
the Meeting, tomorrow, there will be trouble he could avoid by not
going.  If he sticks around, there will inquiries.  Who is he, where
is he from?  Is he dangerous and/or disfellowshipped?  Bill's not
ready to rejoin.  He stumbles at whatever he does.  His mind's
rythmn and speech is stilted.  His face presents a blunt affect.
Schizo-affective-disorder.  It's Sunday, Bill shaves.  "It was nice
seeing you." says the stripper, outside Magic.  Bill says good night,
as he passes and they part with her words.

137Bill goes for coffee at Starbucks and makes a
list for Tuesday.  He's going to Fort Vancouver Regional Library to return
King Henry IV.  He's going to the Senior Center for coffee and computer and
community, oh, and today's Oregonian.  He's going for breakfast at Carls.
He's going to settle the third party thing at T-Mobile.  He's going to
call Comcast and insure the contract is no longer than 6 months.  He may go
to a movie, he may buy a foot-long.  Mundane occupations, but necessary.  On
the Web, he will play chess, check his email, edit and update The Delimiter
and consult Meetup.  And edit and update The Calculator.  Each function user
interface shall be easy on the eyes, easy to use and similar.  Include a
reference and a pictorial and a link back to the directory.

Bill goes back to town on the 44.  He joins others on the bus.  Bill is tired
of being Bill.  Mentally challenged.  Devorah assured him the tests conclude
he is highly intelligent.

136Bill wakes up to another day in Portland, Oregon.
1)Why is he here?  Because SMI-Joist, a company he works for in 2001
in Fallon, Nevada, sends him to Bend, 3 weeks, to the satelite office,
as a trainer and transfer candidate, and he likes it.  And, because
the new drug the Doctor orders, gets him off his butt, after 4 years
being on the side-line, sitting in a chair in an apartment, watching
TV, endless days.

2)How does Bill come to work for SMI-Joist?  He meets a girl,
Lorraine, in Carson City at the RV Park.  She helps him interview
for a job he sees in the paper, by providing a ride, moral support
and boosting his ego.

3)How does Bill come to be in Carson City?  He is let go at a job
in Mammoth Lakes, California, after 6 months.  He reads the 
classifieds of the Reno paper, every morning at McDonalds, about
jobs.  He tries to find more work in Mammoth Lakes, but it's not
happening.  He hitch-hikes to Reno and rents a room a week downtown
to explore the job market, he leaves the motor home, behind.  He
lands a job, 30 miles South, in Carson City, the state capital, from
a phone book yellow pages.

4)How does Bill come to be in Mammoth Lakes?  He leaves Ruthann.
Bill and Ruthann are soul mates and Bill grows tired of failing to
win Ruthann's more intimate affections.  He feels used and at a dead
end.  He runs out of the house a Saturday morning and catches rides
North, not knowing, where he will end.  He ends in Bishop, a small
town, 40 miles South of Mammoth Lakes, where a Witness couple helps
him get the job.  Rod and Dawna live in Alaska, now 8 years.

5)How does Bill come to be with Ruthann?  He and his wife, Lydia
split, after 22 years of marriage, she leaves him hurting financially
and he drives the newly aquired motor home to his Mom's and
parks it on the property, where she and others, including Ruthann
live.  Ruthann calls it the Ranch, it's on Ranch Road in Victorville,
California.  Bill leaves San Diego County.

6)How does Bill come to be in San Diego County?  He and Lydia and 3
kids live in a one bedroom house in Orange County, California and the
job doesn't pay well.  He sees a job in the paper at the Saturday
breakfast table.  Delivers a resume, interviews and gets the job in
Carlsbad, California.

7)Why is Bill in Orange County?  Bill marries and is tired of the
menial job at Hal Kelley Grain and Milling.  He quits.  He takes
a job, constructing moblehome rafters with a nail gun, meanwhile
seeks work in neighbor, Orange County, as a drafter, an occupation
he struggles with years, before, when he is disturbed and forelorn.
Beanie Orund, at Rucker/Shaffer hires him.  He likes Bill, has his
samples rolled in the day's paper to gaurd against rain.  Bill and
Lydia move from Riverside County, where they live upon being
married.

8)What leads Bill to get married?  Bill always liked girls and, when
he first saw Lydia in the corner of the couch, it is love.  He's
living with Mom and 2 brothers, 5 years, after a tumultuous time,
between the end of high school and Hal Kelley's.  Mike is going to
Bethel and, before he leaves, Bill accompanies him to a party, with
Witnesses from a Riverside congregation, there, and meets Lydia.

9)What is the tumultuous time?  Bill lives with his Grandparents, the
last year of high school, because he doesn't get along with Mother
and wants to finish high school.  At the end of high school, Bill
doesn't know what to do.  He spends time with his Father, goes to
Long Beach City College and works.  He spends time with Mother and
brothers, goes to college at night and works.  He spends time with
his Grandparents, takes a welding class and works.

10)What is high school like?  Bill drops out of Eleventh Grade and
goes to work with Father in an industrial laundry.  His Father is
evading the Sheriff, who wants him for child support payments.  Bill
goes to school, briefly at Wilson High School in Long Beach.  He
enjoys the Architecture class, falls in love with the English teacher,
wrestles in gym and is slated to join the rowing team.  His Softmore
year is successful, high grades, Biology, masters Algebra, excellent
attendance, the high school is next door.  First year separated from
his Father.  Senior year, uneventful, excellent attendance,
satisfatory grades.  Ninth Grade is a challenge.  Woodshop is fun
and educational, he excells at Drafting and Math, though he is
demoted from Algebra, he can't keep up, partly, because of poor
attendance.  He starts playing tennis.

11)Grade School and Junior High.  Bill's first memories are of
kindergarten and the neighborhood in which he lives on Farnden.
The Helms bakery truck visits the street in the morning with
donuts and the Good Humor truck in the afternoon with ice cream bars.
Bill knows and plays with all the kids in the cul-de-sac.

12)What is Bill doing, now?  Once a week Bill does laundry.  Once
a week he gets paid.  Once a week he buys supplies.  Once a week
he visits a strip club and gets to know Ananda and Mya better.
Once a week he debates Kingdom Hall, church.  Once a week he sees
a movie.  He's tied to a 6 month lease at his apartment, he's not
homeless, after 5 and a half months of living on the street.  He
buys coffee and apple fritters at Delicious Donuts.  He takes his
meds, he sees his Doctor.  He plays chess online.  He contributes
to a contriversial site on Jehovah's Witnesses.  He eats at St Francis.
He goes to the Senior Center.  He sleeps.  He gets mail.  He talks
to his Mother and Brother on the phone.  It's anti-climactic.

Bill writes more and better, when he's homeless.  He goes
for coffee at Starbucks at 8:15 at night.  The coffee is good, the
135
night is good.  He sits at the round table with the most light.
He laments he'll, not see Regina, when she comes to Portland, not,
enough cash to buy a ticket before they are sold out.  They are
selling coffee at Starbucks.  Tomorrow he will be hooked to TV. He
saw Stephanie from the Stewart, today.  She walked up behind him and
tapped him on the shoulder.  When she left she pulled on his sleeve.
It was good.  She said he still gets mail, that she would hold it.
She asked about Mom.  She put out her cigarette, later down the
street.

She asked, if it's spendy, where I live.  "Are you alright?"  Bill
drinks his coffee.  It sits half gone in the cup.  Bill goes for a
second cup.  Malcolm's not avoiding Bill, he's unattentive to the
computer.  His Family really loves him.  Then, why is Bill 1000 miles
North?  Running away, since 1997.  Bill gets hooked to the TV,
tomorrow.  Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.  Saturday Bill plans on a
haircut, grocery shopping, and a visit to Magic Gardens.  It's a
strip club on 5th, between Everett and Davis in Chinatown.  He likes
Ananda and Mya there, and June and the other girl.  And there is a
pool table.

Yes, I believe fear was the motivating factor in my Mother's interest and conversion. Fear
of not having God in her life, though she's told me it was fear of not having 
134
God
in her children's lives.

I hate no one. It's not my nature. I love my Family. Every one of them. They know it. From
my dear Mother, to my cranky Brother, to my disfellowshipped younger brother, to my
bi-polar oldest son, who I named Wesley, to, even my wayward Father, his Mother and
my Mother's parents. 

I could have done, so much with a worldly life, I hung on to the Truth, shamelessly. Satan
fought for me, God fought for me. Everyone looked on and cheered for their side.
My Family are all duped, do I have the key? 

How will the game end?

132Bill runs to the 44, after visiting the post office to
buy a stamp and mail the Quik letter.  The start of the week, Monday 27 July
 2009.  Bill may have a new place in which to live, this week, thanks to the
benificence of North West Pilot Project.  A fourth floor studio on 12th and
Clay.  He'll keep it, if the bank doesn't take most of the August
Social Security check.  Because of the drug/loan problem, he's in the
red at the bank, but the check should be going to Integrity Plus, now.  Bill
plans to stay in Portland another year.  Fix his finances, if given a chance,
and see Alaska.  The Haldol is doing an excellent job keeping Bill calm
and focused.  His mind was helter skelter.
His new shoes are breaking
in and he's got his hat on, today, will be a scorcher.  One hundred
degree, plus heat.  He's headed to the Senior Center in Multnomah
Villiage.  Then JOIN for mail and Integrity Plus to introduce
himself.  If the bank takes it's money, it's back to square one
for Bill.  Meanwhile Bill's past connections live their own lives,
oblivious to Bill.  Bill is on his own, sink or swim.  Thanks be to the civil and government agencies, who see Bill through his life.
The city employees
with their bright yellow, red striped vests are on duty at Sunset Bl and
Capital Hwy marking with paint the trails of underground utilities.  Breakfast
at the Mission was eggs, oatmeal, bran muffin and coffee.

131Hi, Sue.  May be getting a room, tomorrow at 12th
and Clay, Downtown.  Last room at the Stewart on Broadway and
Burnside in February.  This room is a fourth floor studio, very
nice.  View is the Grace Bible Church and steeple across Clay to the
North.  2 windows!  Whoopy!  Laundry is ten steps from door one way,
elevator, 10 steps the other way, mailboxes in the lobby.  NW Pilot
Project(helps 55+ with housing), helped get the room.  Guess I was
getting tired of the tree.  Not really.  Fall is around the
corner. 
Don't want to leave for warmer climes, yet.  Maybe do
another
year in Portland, then Alaska, come May,
2010.
Bill sits in the 12th and Glisan Starbucks with a cup of
coffee, along the window facing
Glisan.  He watches the one-way traffic go
West.  Music decends from
the speakers high on the 14-foot walls. 
50's music.  Bill plans to
call Cathy and ask for a Payee to
manage his money.  Something he's been
poor at the last 4 weeks. 
Bill thought all day, yesterday he'd like to
run into Ananda at
Magic Garden, and he did, at last, at 9:45PM.  He watched her
dance 2 sets
and left.  He couldn't miss the last train home to his
pillar. 
The truck and trailer is still parked in his forest,
night
3.
"Are you from Portland?", the minister asks
Bill.  They
are the only passengers on the 19.  He talks minister-
speak to the driver and
briefly notices Bill, as Bill walks up to ask the driver, if
there is a stop at
Yamhill, he's headed to breakfast at Carls.
Bill sits
in Carls Junior eating a steak and eggs burrito.  25 July 2009. 
Saturday.  It's good.  It may be all Bill eats today.  St
Fransis closed.  He may eat at Share House in Vancouver at 3:30.  He's
going to pay Cash 'n' Go $100 from his IRS check.  He bought a
pair of shoes and visited the prettiest girl he's ever seen at Magic Garden. 
He may be living 3 floors above Blockbuster Video on 12th and Clay, come,
next week.  Sia is surprised and exstatic Bill gets approved at Hamilton West
Apartments.  He's maintaqined a good rent record, except for the Sinclair
Street apartment, which they may have overlooked.
So far, Pilot
Project's been good to Bill.  And JOIN, showers, mailbox, locker,
understanding.  Portland's been good with meals and inexpencive
transportation.  Bill owes a lot of money from the loans fiasco. 
The drug Abilify derailed the payment schedule by putting him to
sleep.  He would have been fine.
He doesn't know whether to go to a
Kingdom Hall or a church, tomorrow.  He cannot perform among Jehovah's
Witnesses and Faith Center, only asks he join the men's group, if
that.  But it's "false religion, Babylon the Great", by the JW
estimation and interpretation of Scripture.  "You're attracted to the
social aspect and the structure.", Cathy evaluates Bill's responce to,
"What do you get out of going to the Kingdom Hall?"
 

130"Bill, do you have any furniture?", asks
Sia.  "I have nothing.", Bill replies.  "We'll get you
a bed, we don't want you sleeping on the floor."
Bill had a room in
Reno at Lake Mill Lodge on the Fourth Floor.  The large patio door looked West
to the Sierra.  Now Bill is prepaing to move into Room 404 at the Hamilton
Apartments, Portland, at 12th and Clay.  The two windows look North at the
Grace Bible Church and it's steeple.
Hi, Sue.  Where do they meet in
Salem?  I am in a motel room a couple weeks, getting a room, shortly. 
Don't know, if I want to.  Started an old med, 2 days ago,
it's giving me peace of mind.  Doctors put me on it, back, when I was 22
and had my first experience with mental illness.  The newer meds give me
trouble.  Have to low dose this one, because it has bad side-effects.  I
was in Camarillo State Hospital in California a couple weeks, until they could
stabilize me.  I believe that's where the Beatles song Strawberry Fields
Forever comes from, the fields make it difficult for patients to
escape.  My
Mother is doing a bit better, she's getting cataract surgery soon, maybe she will
be able to read again.  She's always studying the WT.  She's
lonely, though, no one she knows near her, beside my Brother, who gets busy
with things.  He wants me to call her more often, but I have to repeat things
3 times, before Mom gets it.

129"Have a good day.", the girl at the bus stop says.  Bill says,
"You, too."  She's waiting for the 20, "I, just saw the 19 go by." 
She twists a lock of her hair between 2 fingers of her left hand.  The bus pulls up,

Bill boards.  It's Portland, 23 July 2009.  Everybody's out.  Bill misses breakfast
at the Mission, he's sleepy and 6:30 passes by and he's still in bed in his motel
room.  He heads for the Senior Center and coffee and donuts.  Quik called this morning, they
want their money.
The Alaska journey is off, this year.  Bill hopes he's fit and well,
enough, next year to do it.  It will take several months to pay his loans.  Or he'd
consider New Mexico, this winter.  It appears he'll be in Portland.  He's stable
on meds, last hospitalization in Quincy, last year, only ER.  He's writing to Sue,
again.  The JWMatch girl in Washington.  There is a thread started by a new-comer at MeetUp,
re which translation of the Bible is best.  Bill fears this settled feeling, he will regret
it.  Time passes, too quickly.
 Charlie Median and more so, Jerry Barnett resented my
being more moral, than they and smarter in school.  They were both 2 years my senior and I hung
around them, anyway.  They were Jehovah's Witnesses.  I was 12.  Jerry used to
physcally abuse Bill.  He was getting his first semen ejaculations, when Barry McDonald, the
bookstudy conductor started hounding him to keep up with the ministry on weekends.  We moved and
Bill abruptly loses his connection in the Lennox community.
The Hawthorne and Yukon Intermediate
school experience was different, less harassment, they didn't know me, I wasn't
established.  I took to liking and spending time with a girl in homeroom, Lorrie
Hendrix.  It was the year Kennidy was killed.  I continued and finished Seventh Grade in
Rialto at the junior high school.  I was isolated and disoriented then and stopped meeting
attendance.  We returned to Hawthorne and Lennox and Bill's Father leaves.  We moved to
Westminster for a year and back to the Rialto area, Colton.  While in Redlands, Bill returns to
meetings.
128I am aware of a spiritual component in my mind. When my
 most successful therapist, first she gained my confidence, then she forced the two-
way corridor open, then she granted me release from tyranny. She said I didn't have
to keep banging my head on the wall by attending meetings and feeling guilty,
because I couldn't do service. But I forgot. I degenerated back to the
tyranny. She said, the last session, I would recall all she taught me. I do, but it
isn't like her telling me to my face. Like God did to Moses. Maybe I should
confront my tyrant, the group of men, who insist on allegiance and participation,
despite handicaps and swear at them an hour. Nothing would come of it,
they may even call for the men in white suits.
127Bill was, not much better off, last year.  He had
his teeth.  It is 17 July 2009.  Last year he was in Portland.  He
had his truck and a suspended license.  He was sleeping in Paul's
attic.  The new Doctor, Jessica Cuzzens started him on Prozac.  It
helped him lose his inhibitions and Bill entered the strip club circuit.  And
more.  Paul and Bill disagreed and split.  Bill found a room
downtown.  He stayed 5 months.  His Mother got very ill, requiring round-
the-clock care.  His Brother, Mike arrainged help and paid for it.  Bill gave
up his room and visited his Mom.  He stayed 2 months.  He was judged
there as disobedient to the Faith he aquired from his Mother.  And made to
feel guilty.
Bill thought of going to Alaska and Albuquerque.  He also
considered staying in Victorville, where and until he could get his tooth fixed at
the best cost.  He reurned to Portland.  He could have rented, another
room, but didn't know what to do.  He slept outdoors April, May,
June.  He left his sleeping bag somewhere and it was taken.  He left his
jacket on the MAX and it was taken.  Today he is at Pilot Project for a 10:30
appointment with Sia.  They put him up in a motel room a week.  Their
complaints are Bill makes too much on SSD and he has debt.
Bill has no buds,
a girl or a job.  His strip club visits are curtailed for lack of
funds.  Some of the strippers Bill knows are very friendly with him.  Bill
stopped going to Kingdom Halls and churches.  He is on Prozac and
Lamictal.  At the Kingdom Hall he is pressured to be a JW.  At church he
is pressured to believe in Heaven and Hell.  The pressure to be a JW is
unmitigating.  Bill needs a friend or a group to express himself.
Bill is learning he may have Gender Dysphoria.

126Went to see my Social Worker, today, Cathy.  We talk about guilt. 
How some groups instill, too much of it.  Cathy suggests I am attracted to the social
aspect and the structure of the group.  Too much guilt, though.  About doing and, not doing
things.  She insists, as an adult I may follow my own path.  Certain ones, here have told me
the same.
Cathy asks me what, else she could do to help me.  I say the meds are working
and I have a room for a week.  She thanks me for coming.  She says to be, more kind to
myself.  Cathy suggests I am unsure I want to stay in Portland.  It was a productive, positive
30 minutes.
She gives me a list of affirmations, one: "My thoughts do not control my
life, I do."

125Why?  Bill has no definition.  He wishes to be invisible. 
Life is a struggle.  He's a JW.  Or is he?  What is he?  Does it
matter?  Can he be, just Bill?  Will they permit it?  Who is they?  Bill is in
possession of a copy of his Certificate of Live Birth.  He has a Social Security Number.  He is
not on the FBI's 10 most wanted list.  Is this Bill?  To whom does it
matter.
"Bill, right?", says the stripper, Mya, as she takes his money.  Bill is a
fraud, a wastrel and a baffoon.  He is afraid of emotion, so he has none.  BOO!  Bill is
outside of Society.  A freak.  He's been offered a seat at the table, but he doesn't 

play.  He asks Mya to say it, again.  "Thank you guys."  Because it sounds
cool.
Bill is sometimes, on the rare occassion, 10 feet tall, but mostly 2 inches.  He sees
his therapist a week, before the end of the month and has to wait a week to book another
appointment.  And she's on loan from Downtown, works in the St Johns clinic, Mondays and
Fridays.  All Bill knows for certain is he has two legs to carry him and how to stop and
go.
When Bill dies, he will not have reason to miss life, beacuse despite the joys, they were
stolen.  If Bill is not a man, what is he?  What is Bill?  What is anyone?
123The fight or flight principle.  In school and at work Bill recalls taking the flight approach over the issue of being a JW and dealing with the mountain of inconsistencies, between the JW way and the accepted notions or norms.  It was a matter of act stupid and fret, lest I be discovered or state my objections and receive the sting of discrimination.  The law requires a minor to attend school.  And an adult must participate in the work world to live.  Being a JW is work, defending your faith in school and at work, in the ministry and in the congregation.  And regimentation.  So Bill took up masturbation, as a tonic, or used it conveniently, as one.  It became the ultimate flight mechanism.  his Father was little help, because he was detached and the "Truth" was anathema to his Father's life and goals. He realized his sons would be faithful to their Mother and her ways.  It would be easier to leave them behind.  "Dad was a flake.", just today, Bill's Brother, Mike.
In Portland, on Prozac and, then Lamictal and 20 strip clubs within reach, Bill indulges.  He was forced to sell his truck, adding to the tension and his Mother is near death, so he leaves to see her.  He asks to room with his one son.  his son tells him he never really liked him and he smells and doesn't go to meetings.  Bill returns to Portland but doesn't know what to do or where to go.  So he doesn't get a room, again.  He spends some of the money on the girls.  He gets to "know" some of them "personally" and it is satisfying.  instead of meeting attendance, where you are criticized, if you fail the flock's and overseers' expectations.  mental illness is not understood there.  You try a couple churches, but they are just more god and religion.  Stigma and humiliation being a JW.

Talia(Photo) 
122
Home
New low. I smell, so I was denied a bus
ride today. Because I cannot shake the JW attachment. I am going to
get a room, though. Where the mentally ill are put up. An old hotel in
Chinatown.
It's not far from Magic Gardens :) . Cathy, the social worker is
preparing the papers, I may have to sign something. Just, until I can get back on my
feet. When is that? I like it at the Faith Center, but I'm not going to Heaven or
Hell and they all believe that. So I won't fit in, a square peg in a round hole.
If for some reason I have to stay at my tree, I need mosquito repellant.
The meds are keeping me off tall buildings. I'm losing my bank account. I have a back up at
BofA. Family is ignoring me. I visited Sex Addicts Anonymous, today. Big crowd.
It's not for me. They believe in a higher power and the 12 steps and they are
all in unison. Oh, and preach abstinence and say it's a disease.
"Last Crusade"(He chose poorly.") at the Square at dusk tomorrow. I'd like to call
Jaimie, she's a stripper, who said she'd see a movie and have dinner, and
have sex, afterward, for a gratuity. We hit it off.

I got a lot, a lot a
words wrong, this time. Damn me. Yeppers.

121I call the "add items" program "btadd".  On the Web it has
the extension ".html", for hypertext markup language, which is what all Web pages
are.  I begin the name with "bt", to differentiate it from any other programs out
there with the name "add", it's a common practice.  I have created many programs in
the Lisp language and they work fine in AutoCAD, but the language of the Web is
Javascript.  So I would like to convert all my good programs into JS.  A simple text
file on a computer has the extension ".txt", MSWord files: ".doc".  Lisp files
use ".lsp", Javascript files: ".js".


I am here at the senior center in the cool of an old elementary school converted to a
community center.  I't in the 90's outside, today.  Had my blood-pressure checked,
it's high.  Going to see "Thirst", tonight, about Korean vampires.  I belong to
an online group of movie watchers and I got a free ticket, as part of the movie
maker's promotion effort.  There will be a hundred of us there.  All to be scared.

I have finished only one JS program, that performs math.  I called it CPT.  For "cross
product".  http://btlsp.tripod.com/cpt.html  The user enters two, three xyz
component vectors and the program solves for the cross product.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vector_cross_product  CPT requires a series of
quantities, as input, whereas btadd, convievably asks the user for an infinite number
of quantities, to add.  A "textbox" is used for single entries, "textarea" for
multiple entries.  btadd is under developement.  It's a simple concept, but you must
understand how Javascript and the Web work to make it work.  Presently, type in a
single quantity in the "Items" area(the "textarea"), and click the Compute button and
you will get twice the entry you made.  To be continued...






function btadd()

{

var ipt = document.form.additems.value;

var sum = 0;

var item = "";

var ary = new Array();

ary = ipt.split("\n");

var al = ary.length;

for(i=0; i < al; i++){

item = ary[i];

item = parseFloat(item);

sum = sum + item;

}

document.form.sum.value = sum;//item;sum;

}


120Here is the key JS function I finally finished that takes a column of numbers and sums them.  15 lines of JS code.  Lines 3 and 14 are the input and output statements.  The final struggle was getting the parseFloat function to work.  There are two ways to use it and the dot notation way, simpler, but harder to understand, still eludes me.  Try it at http://btlsp.tripod.com/btadd.html
I'm, so proud of myself.  To see the full code, right-click in the btadd page and select "view source".

I am in a movie-goer group in Portland.  What picture shall I see?  See below.  Have you seen Ingourious Basterds, it's a great film.  I also saw Thirst, a modern-day vampire picture, it was also good.  We got in free, a hundred of us, the maker of the film was pre-screening it.  It is a Korean movie with subtitles, but you would be put off by the sex in it, however it is part of the story and the director doesn't leave it out.  It's, also a funny movie, at parts.  I guess I liked it more than IB.  It was quite a scene, Hitler getting killed.  Not, too many movies change history, like that.
My dentist kept saying it's going to be alright.  He originally guarentied me 1-15 minutes, tops.  After 40 minutes, he says, "It's over.  I'll write a script for pills and you're on your way.  I sat in the lobby, afterward, 30 minutes to calm down.
How is everything back home?  I was, so happy to get back to Portland, in March.
Had a canine tooth pulled this morning, upper-left, it was killing me.  It took the dentist 40 minutes to get it out, he had to give me one stitch, besides.  It was in there at an odd angle apparently, that's what he kept saying to his assistant, Demitri.  He put me on a narcotic, which is taking care of the after pain.
Maybe you have been wondering what parseFloat is.  It is a function that converts text to numbers.  Simple.  What the user enters to add numbers in my nifty program is text.  Thus the need to convert.  The Split function is the really cool one.  It takes a group of text and makes a list(it's called an array), of each and every item(word) in the text.  Before the group of text was one long string, like a sentence.  I knew you would want to know this.  In our case, it was a string of text, only, separated by carriage returns, which symbol is "\n".  Pretty nifty, huh.  I was getting really good at C++, now I have to learn Javascript.

119Brick wall. Anna suggests to Bill, going to meetings of
Jehovah's Witnesses is akin to walking into a brick wall. It goes nowhere. Well,
 he's been doing it all his life. Bill is not accepted, nor does Bill accept.
It happens, every time. Bill attempts to fit in, and more is demanded, like Bill
is normal and should be able to do anything, and Bill feels pressured to perform,
which he cannot, always do. So, he is regarded, as second rate or slothful. he
tries to find cracks and weaknesses in their dogma. In this pursuit he is cheered by
members of Meetup, but Bill is met with more Scripture there, which is what he gets
at meetings. He's accustomed to Scripture, but finds it suspect. It's all
taken out of context in the Protestant faiths and made into a sing song and Bill
believes there are more and better ways to look at life.

The structure and social aspect of a group is appealing, though. The idea of a restored
Paradise earth has been planted in Bill, as a child and is appealing, if not
logical from the JW philosophy, versus life in Heaven. There are questions, like
will the earth be an abandoned waste, as all good people go to Heaven? How do I
know I will like it there? Is all this elusive knowledge and esoteric that impedes
living life? Do we subject ourselves and inflict on ourselves our own pain by
believing in this or that and not this or that, or nothing at all. By answering the
knock of Jehovah's Witnesses at the door or absorb the teaching of parents on
the subject of their new-found religion? Can we choose, will we choose? Have we
chosen?

Bill boards the 44 for the Senior Center. It is a nice day in Portland. He
counts his pennies, dimes, nickles and quarters to see, if he has, enough for a
movie. He wants to stash his last $20 for the TV. Anna suggests ways to reach out to
people. Angst, she gets Bill to admit the feeling he confronts at the end of the
Watchtower search.
118The man with the bullet-proof vest and revolver checks Bill's bag for guns and knives.  Satisfied, Bill visits the restroom, before joining in the lobby, the other 2 recipients, there for an interview and application with Integrity Plus, a Payee service.  Bill's signing up to get his funds under control.
"Thanks for tipping me.", the black girl, Natalie says to Bill sitting at the bar, she walks behind him and runs her fingers on his sides, under his shirt, forward.  Bill's elbows are on the bar, a Pabst in front of him.  The strippers are not making much, today, nobody coming in for "cold beer and hot girls".  Only Bill.  She sits to Bill's right and places her hand on Bill's thigh and offers a private dance.  Bill cannot decide to spend a few dollars at Magic, Stars, Dancin' Bare, Soobie's, Acropolus, Lucky Devil, Devil's Point or Hawthorne Strip.  Hawthorne Strip wins.  They talk, she tells Bill about the rats she's seen at the Stewart.  "I like you, you have to come in more often."  She gets up and walks back to the dressing room for more cover and goes outside for a cigarette.
Bill joins Pixie at the stage, Pixie and Bill are old friends.  "I like you, you talk.", she once said, when she worked at Mary's.  Pixie takes the stool to Bill's left.  They talk old times. she reminds him she likes the knee-high socks he gave her a long time ago.  "You're the sock guy."
Hi, Jeanie. How is life without your partner going? Are you glum, have you stopped life, or are you happy and jubilant and into the next chapter? 

I ate a banana at the Senior Center this morning, drank a protean drink and my 3 cups of coffee and ate a blueberry muffin, they take care of me here. It was raining at six and I didn't want to get up and make the trip to the Mission for breakfast, so I didn't. I helped a guy here, whose right hand shook terribly, to make his hot chocolate. Listened to a talk for an hour on the pitfalls of Medicare. The speaker talked to me afterward for half an hour, she used the word chemistry, once in our conversation. 

Not much going on today. No backpack to carry or reason to wonder where I'll go next. Going to pick up the mail at JOIN. JOIN gets mail for the dispossessed. Looking forward to having a TV in the room, next month. Hope I don't have trouble getting it, an 18 inch Sanyo from Walmart. No Bingo in here(no shows), today, so the room is all mine on the computer.

If I leave everyone alone, will they leave me alone in kind?

117"I haven't seen you in a while.",says Ananda to Bill.  
He's at the high table overlooking the stage at Magic

Garden on a stool.  Ananda is a beautiful blond and Bill prefers brunettes, but

Ananda remembers Bill and Bill Ananda.  Her tattooed body moves to the beat of

a tune.  She pulls her black top off over her head and reveals the black bra

holding her size C breasts.  Ananda is cool, her mascaraed eyes fix and penetrate.

  She leans back on Bill's table and arches her neck and looks up at Bill,

daring him to send down his lips for a kiss.  Bill's eyes cannot leave her,

whether she's down on the stage or leaning back on the mirror or up on the table,
fixing her gaze or her legs wrapped around the rail that goes around the stage.

It's a beautiful day in Portland and Bill feels good.  He's been at

Thriftlodge a week.  He's on his way to see Anna, the mental health

nurse practitioner.  He talked to his Mom, briefly, last night.  Breakfast

included eggs at the Mission.  The guy, behind Bill in line was obnoxious,

called the servers fags, but left Bill alone.  Bill's worried about the
loans, he wants to pay them.  He doesn't understand, fully how he got, so
in debt.


Bill must find a place to live, Pilot Project for persons over 55

is helping.  Bill turns 58.  It's Monday, first day of the week. 

It will be August in 12 days.  He hasn't been to a strip club in more than

a week.  The visit to Pilot Project was inended to be exploritory, now he has
a payee and he's, not homeless, technically.

Thank you Julie. Borrowed more cash to get 10 days in a hostel. Shower and a bed 
with 3 blokes in bunks. I am here. Why am I here? Why are we here? I 
116
know I 
was no where, before I was here. I know I will be no where, when I go. 
Perhaps my dear Mother will join her 143,999. Perhaps, no. Maybe we will 
see you all on the other side. Maybe the masses will be resurrected. Maybe. 
I have had highs. Every time I picked up a job by brains and good looks, I 
was high. I had 3 kids, that was a joyful period. I've talked to people at 
the doors. I like doing that. I found and married a beautiful girl. I was 
young and virile, she appreciated that and it brought me rewards. I did 
excellent work at my umpteen jobs. I am proud of it, I enjoyed it, I got 
much joy from it. Nothing like working out problems at a desk on a computer 
and getting paid for it. Or in the early days, on a beloved drafting table 
with a machine or a t-square. This is joy, this is poetry, this is life. 
Now I wander.

Bill moves the Family to San Diego in 1984.  To work for the competitor and 
make more money.  The job ends ignominiously, a year later.  Massive 
115

layoff, including Bill's boss.  They stay in San Diego, having established

themselves.  Bill gets a temporary job, 3 months later that lasts 3 months.

He moves from job to job, 8 months at a time.  Bill has, only once been

unemployed, involuntarily, before.  He works 2 and a half years for Hughes 

Aircraft and nearly gets hired permanently.  Then the long dry spell 
begins.  Clinton is president.  The Family is on welfare and gets evicted 
from one place after another.  The Brothers are kind, but cannot relieve 
the pain.  They probably wonder why they moved there and wish they would 
go away.  One helps Bill face the daunting task of applying for aide.  
Bill's back on med's, since 1985, after a successful 14 years off.  
Marriage helped.

Then, in 1996, he starts feeling very low, walking home from an unfruitful

day looking for work.  The plumbing isn't working in the kitchen of the

house they are in.  Scheduled to be demolished for street widening.  It 
was terror, going to meetings, not being able to function and pitied and

ignored, mostly.  He was making a bold attempt to get back into the game 
and it wasn't working.  More pity was spent on Lydia and the boys.  When 
he got home, the next day, he told Lydia he had to ly down.  He got up 5 
minutes, later, frightened.  Not knowing what was happening.  He went back 
into the bedroom and leaned against the wall.  He could not remain 
standing.  Slowly and unchallenged, his back slid down and against the 
wall to the floor.  With uncommon strength he picked himself up and got to 
the bed.  He didn't rise for 3 months.

He pleaded for night and sleep and an end to the shaking, but was in terror

of sleeping, because he would awaken in the morning and the shaking would 
begin all over again.  Lydia and the boys had no sympathy.  Bill was 
letting them down.  He wasn't providing for them.  He applied for 
disability, but it took 2 years, 3 appeals and a lawyer.  Bill would 
rather 1996 not have been.

Thx, Dave.  Love is hard to find.  Normal, I am normal and I've been taught 
otherwise.  I need to express my true self more.  I refuse to control 
114

anyone.  It is an assualt, a battery.  But the worst thing is something 
terrible going on and you are helpless.  Like the fire that engulfed our 
house in my childhood.  My parents were at odds and I knew the future was 
dim.  My Father just wanted to be his worldly self and Mom wanted this new 
religion that came to her door.  Me, I was a kid, just learning things, 
just beginning to know what it's all about.  And loving the experience, 
but cautious.  When my first love experience ended suddenly, I was 
devastated.  I could find real meaning with a girl together.  And it 
wasn't, apparently going to be easy.  And part of that was the baggage I 
was carrying around and it still is.            ...Bill

Don't you love the apostate freaks at the Assemblies with their placards at the 
exits. Aren't we special, here, patting ourselves on the back and 
113
advising 
our fellows. Aren't I lovely, stuck. I've thought about walking into every 
Kingdom Hall I have been in and scream and yell, until they drag me away. 
Will that get rid of the 10,000 pounds on my back. Will that get the years 
back. Will continuing here, exploring and writing imbecilic rantings and 
ravings solve anything. Walking off the tall building here in Portland 
comes up frequently for me. I've been in the emergency room, 5 times over 
36 years, because I am tormented by the grief that comes with knowing 
Jehovah. I've been on countless anti-depressives. I've succeeded in ruining 
my life, one I could have been happier with. I pray for the day, I have 
peace. And peace to all.

Hello.  I was 4, my wife 12 when our parents saw the light, read "Truth".  We 
married.  She stopped pioneering, she was ready to anyway.  We moved 60 
112

miles away after a year of marriage, I got a good job.  We did the 

meetings and a little service, but then, for no apparent reason, we 
dropped out for 6 years.  Had 3 kids.  My life was my job, her's was the 
kids, the house and shopping.  She started to beat on me and say every 
awful thing to and about me to me and in front of the kids, 6 months into 
the marriage.  I think it may have been my introducing her to alcohol.  
She became alcoholic like both our fathers.  We moved, I wanted more money 
and a larger place to live.  We started up, again, this time I took the 
lead.  Service, talks, I read at bookstudy.  They liked us.  I revealed a 
fault of mine to my wife, after a year there, she reported me, I came near 
to disfellowshipping, but skated.  One was for it, he wanted to hang me, 
one told me to see a psychiatrist, he was a professional, the third was an 
older, merciful, understanding and loving Brother.  I lost my good job.  
Went from job to job, landed in a motel, the 5 of us, depending on 
charity.  I was hit with major depression, nearly died, wouldn't eat and 
had horrible shakes and couldn't get out of bed or the house 3 months.  
Now the Brothers felt there was need for mercy for me.  They failed to fix 
my wife's abuse, though.  A therapist put me wise.  She said I could take 
and leave what I wanted from the religion, that I shouldn't beat myself 
up, and leave Lydia.  I did.  I've been happier, but, after 12 years it's 
lonely without the partner Lydia was, part time.  I only hung on to 
the "Truth" those 12 years and now I see I have options.

Thanks to the Doctor in Fallon
Bill has a new friend.
Sydney/stripper at Stars

"Do you want me to smack it?"
"I can't get up."
Her feet on my chest.
Slowly worked off shoes/socks both feet.
Lap dance, two.
I looked over at her on the wall across the room.
She was sitting alone.  She promptly joined me at the bar.
We talked a lot.
I proposed a dance.
Brused legs from dancing.
Nice hair, face.
Young, somewhat, must be over 21 to work at Stars.

Happy Wednesday.  I am in, let's see, Hesperia.  Next to Victorville, on the 
computer at the local college.  I went here, too, but had to drop out, 
110

because SS dropped me and I had no funds for the bus to school or gas for 
the RV.  I have a great new link at my page, to "Front Burner".  It's 
where I detail the most pressing thing going on with me at the moment.  
This relieves me of the stress of knowing what I am doing and/or will do.  
Along with the To-Do list.  I try.  Devorah said to use my intellect.  May 
have my tooth back, shortly after 2, today.  I will smile again.  I wrote 
in the message board at the Anti(Ex)-JW site, that I want door number 
one.  This means there are so many options for me to select from, now that 
I feel free to select.  Slept in a nice room on a bed last night.  It's 
really over-rated.  Shower was good, though.  My dear Mom is worried I 
will get sick in the rain outdoors.  I told her I plan to get a tarp and 
throw it over me in the event of a downpour.  I located a very nice hovel, 
last time I was up here, in an abandoned and boarded mobile home park.  I 
picked a trailer and settled into the empty storage shed for the night.  I 
could "live" there indefinitely, it's not going anywhere, soon.  Going to 
see "The International", again, tonight, another perk, not paying rent.
Stay up late and enter my hideaway unnoticed.            ...Bill

Hello, Malinda. I am eager to see NM, tomorrow. Payday. And see a shower and
bed, none for 26 days, now. Well, shower at son's, 2 weeks past. Slept on 
109

floor at his place. 2 nights on floor at other son's and the other
nights on various ground in various locals. Family would say I owe my
plight to
abandoning Jehovah. I never really had a lasting relationship with anyone. Mom
included, she had her life, sons were extra. An uncle,
dead at 90, a year ago,
lived on Vashon Island with his tour boat. My Father lived in Gig
harbor with the new wife, until he got cancer and returned to Long Beach,
CA and the Veteran's Hospital(served in USAF during Korean war). Where is 
Sitka, I've heard of it? Friends in Palmer. Lived there 8 years, now.
Witnesses, but they love me. At least they did 8 years ago. Wouldn't 60
minutes North, place you in Canada? ...Bill 

1 Peter 2:19: 

For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering
because he is conscious of God.

On Bill's mind, Sunday, 1, March, 2009, 7:05AM PT,
Del Taco, Victorville, CA, downtown, 7th Street:




cold/St Mary's
Albuquerque, NM, USA
San Bernardino
Vista
Mike/$100
Portland
Talia
document.c1100.style.zindex.value = 0;
tooth
taxi
camp
Budget Inn
loans

One day goes, another cometh.  Tonight, Bill goes to bed, alone.
February was an odd month.  Bill leaves Portland.  No more love fest
around the pole.  No more Resuce Mission, no more St Fransis.  No more
107
MAX or senior center or PCC.  Bill sees his Mom cry in the Kingdom Hall
and say she doesn't want to die.  Bill is snubbed by his sons.  He's
in Vista 2 weeks, anyway.  Bill gets a Vista library card.  Bill gets
t5o know Angela better.  His original plan to reach Albuqerque is
forestalled.  He visits Victor Valley.  March 1 comes.  He's in San Bernardino.
He got one ride, the one down the hill, he pays for the gas.  Beats a
$17 train ride.  Bill admits to St Mary's for his chest cold and gets
a good report and meds.  Bill has seen worse days.  Ne sees Taken a second
time.  At Victor Valley Mall.  He stays a night in Fullerton.  But
Orange County is too busy.

In Victorville and comfy here, may wait the 3rd out here.  Desert.  This 
is where I met Ruthann.  Stayed 8 months, happy times.  11 years, ago.  
Some things are the same, some different.  Then both my Mom and younger 
brother were living here, too.  Ruthann, moved to Pasadena, where she went 
to school to be a cop and lost track of her after that.
 

A guy here just approached me and whispered, are you homeless.  I asked 
about a shelter.  He said, for women, children and older men.  But he did 
clue me in on showers here on campus.  I could tell you were homeless, 
when I saw you, this morning, I am, too.  Was looking forward to another 
peaceful night under the stars.
 

I haven't seen a naked girl in over 3 weeks.  I have to break down and buy 
a razor, so I don't get quite as many stares here.

Hey, Laurie, sun is starting to shine here, after a drizzly, overcast morning.  I am at 
CSUSB.  Logged on to their network as guest.  I might 
106
enroll and camp here 
the summer.  Never been here, always wanted to visit.  It sits in the 
foothill below Cajon Pass, the gateway to the high desert, where I am 
trying to get. Will try, again at onramp to the 395 in a couple hours.  
And sleep here, if I have to, tonight.  Amtrak is $13 to Victorville and 
there is a train there, to A/NM, but I don't want to spend the $13.  I'm 
out of Prozac, again.  Was hoping to be in Nevada, tomorrow.   ...Bill

In my late teens, I hiked in the San Bernardino National Forest and did the 
tallest peak in So Cal, 6 times. When I am up there I get on my knees and 
105

it's the closest I ever come to God. I take that back. Lately, oh 5 years, 
now, I recognize the Spirit calling to my mind, the Word. Whether I want 
it or not, whether I listen or not, it comes. Softly, gently, with 
insight, authority and compassion. I think it may speak to all mankind. 
Apart from the conscience. Scientists predict the sun to keep shining 
billions, I think, earth years, but say it IS doomed. JW's teach the 
celestial objects stand fast in their relative positions by God. That he 
has his hand in things. And Einstein refused to believe in the voracity of 
Chaos. Yahweh, "causes to become". JW's, also teach, it is the same Spirit 
that created heaven and earth. He is credited as performing countless acts 
in the Holy Writ, from cursing the ground to parting the Red Sea and 
implanting his Son's seed in a woman and foretelling the event. And the 
Great War will be his, using his field marshal, the resurrected under-
king. Are these fables and a great illusion, only to tickle the 
fancy?
 

"...a personal message for my own spiritual healing." I think that's why I 
go to therapists. To free me of the shackles I put on myself when I was 
baptized at 9 years old. How young. I thought I was wise. Everyone was 
doing it and my Mother was worried, if I didn't make a decision, just 
then, I risked annihilation in the coming wrath, "It will come, before you 
graduate from HS."

Hi, Laurie, happy Friday.  The signal in here is very strong.  I'm sitting at 
a table in the new Student Union dining hall with a cup of coffee, laptop 
104

and students.  I went to school here, learned a LOT here.  I could get 
very comfortable down here, again.  But I shant.  New vista's are more 
appealing and relegating the past to infrequent musings.  They also have a 
new train between Escondido and Oceanside.  Perhaps it was the right thing 
to do, to transplant the Family here, a long 25 years, ago.  Wesley is 
housed in a half-way house in Oceanside, he gets what he needs and is 
happy.  Malcolm is married to a sweet and loving Mexican girl and 
manages.  Justin owns the place, and does well at his pool cleaning 
enterprise.  And Lydia is ok, 3 sons to watch out for her.  And I am long 
gone and living my own life, now, for 12 years.  Why should I complain.  I 
hope to get to San Diego, before I leave, spent 2 good work years there.  
I have to pay a $25 co-pay to see a doctor and get my pills refilled.  So, 
it's wait, until I get to Nevada.  I will take the Greyhound, Monday to 
Lost Wages.  Life is good at the moment.  I think I have support systems, 
now and they are growing.  I learned to play tennis correctly, here and 
hope to play at the Portland tennis club, before it's off to the Klondike, 
I mean Alaska.  See you...   ...Bill  >>>ps: thank the gods for spell check...

A review by "Strip Club Junky":  I have been a returning patron of Exotica for 
the past few years, every 
weekend if not more often. I go to all the 
103

local clubs, have for years, 
and must say Exotica has been one of the 
few that can stand the test of 
time. This place is like walking into 
Vegas. The atmosphere alone is way 
ahead of anything else in Portland, 
clean and modern. They have the widest 
selection of hot girls from around the world- literally- that I have seen 
yet. Top that off with a few recent changes in wait/bar staff, the place 
keeps getting better!! I now always find myself greeted and treated with 
professionalism from the time I walk in, through my stay. They run a 
pretty smooth operation from what I have seen lately. Management must be 
doing something right, because the staff is always at the top of their 
game! Although I don't have to deal with management on a personal level, 
seems as though the last review was written by someone with an obvious 
personal issue. (Speaking of coked out, what are YOU doing at 7:20 A.M. 
besides writing hate mail on the internet??? Hmmmmmm?) Ha ha kind of 
ironic. So hope you all enjoy my updated, realistic, review of my favorite 
club! 

Hi, Laurie, decided to stick around, until after the Oscars.  Not much talent 
this year.  Weather nice, here again today.  Idylic.  I like to use that 
102

word.  "Here, I want to give you this.", a girl in her car with her girl 
friend pulls over and hands me $3.  "Jesus loves you, no matter how hard 
it gets.  Buy yourself some coffee."  My backpack and sleeping bag were 
over my shoulder and I cut off the beard and bums like me, here seem to be 
non-existent.  Everyone is clean shaven, driving a car and employed.  I 
can get my tooth back on for nothing, if I apply for Medical and wait a 
month for approval of the procedure.  Not.  I am starting to liking being 
down here with sons, especially Malcolm, and Angela.  It scares me, I 
don't want to be here long.  I arrived the 7th, that's 12 days, now.  And 
before long it will be March.       ...Bill





Calley talks about herself at JWMatch.com.  Bill can reply, after posting the 
$30 month's subscription.  She's a Brit.
101

A lover of Jehovah and His People, first and foremost, of course. I love 
teaching the Truth and have great joy in making disciples. 

A lover of the outdoors and yet a lover of the indoors, too. I love 
walking along a beach, rambling through the woods, scrambling across the 
rocks and exploring old castles. I adore being in the mountains, swimming 
in lakes and fishing for my breakfast and sleeping under canvas.

I also love quiet nights by the fire, just talking and listening. I am not 
a television addict but I do enjoy a really good film.

I have travelled a bit. I have been to and loved Oregon, Tennessee (had to 
go to Graceland, so I thoroughly enjoyed Memphis), New York (I loved Grand 
Central Station), Sarasota and Vancouver. I had to be dragged away from the 
Kennedy Space Centre, I loved it there. 

I love Paris and spend as much time as I can speaking French (I am in the 
French Group in my congregation). I love the West Coast of France, too. I 
love Belgium, Luxembourg, Switzerland and Spain. 

My favourite place of all is Bermuda: the pink sands, like talcum powder 
and the crystal clear azure sea. Snorkelling is a dream! I tried diving 
but suffered for weeks with painful ears, I am sad to say. Came face to 
face with a Barracuda, that was awesome!

I love Ghana and Nigeria, we once had a house in Mampong.

I enjoy any good music and I love to dance and can rock with almost anyone!

I am a writer.





Julie, you began thinking for your self, didn't you.  You got past the original 
indoctrination and you weren't satisfied being a sheep.  Was that 
100
the 
course of Adam?  Eve was a fool, right?  But Adam was not deceived.  He 
entered into mutiny with full knowledge.  He exercised the mental 
faculties he was given.  Now, his motive was different.   I have done many 
a fool thing at the advise or insistance of the gentler sex. 

The strippers.  I cannot resist their beauty and charm.  Yes, it's a 
business, 
they want my money, bottom line.  And what do I get, a 
broken heart, when 
I am honest with myself, and a slight waste of my 
time.  But I have calculated it is worth it.  And with a beer or 2 or 3 
and a game of pool and comradery with real men(lol), I run with it.  I'd 
like to have that wonderful relationship with a woman who also cares for 
me, again, but it isn't happening, nor will it any time soon.  And my wife 
was in it for herself primarily, she admitted it more than once in ways 
that were unmistakable, but I went on inconsolably.  I thought leaving was 
not an option.  I suppose the kids kept us together.  My life is not 
dissimilar to countless others, I should get over it.  While I stew and 
fret, life is going by.  I am learning that now, although I have always 
been aware, just not fully benefiting from the knowledge.  Melinda is so 
right, be yourself, don't deny it.  Why deny it?  Who do you hurt? 

My seat mate on the train down here told about a certain guy who has been 
calling back on he and his wife 4 years, the seat mate chides, you'll 
never convert me, I gave up on religion 37 years ago.  But the wife is 
receptable, if 4 years is receptable.  I told him about my witness past 
and he said 6 months away is not long and wished me luck when we parted. 

In the end, we work out our on salvation.  Don't we.  And every day now, I 
make better headway.  And mostly it's due to providence placing me in 
challenging situations and I owe that to my aging and not being as 
marketable anymore.  Thus the more often necessity to scramble and work to 
survive.  No more coasting and a lot more risk taking and experimenting, 
not by choice, but out of need.  So change IS a good thing, after all. 





Thx, Dave and Melissa, and Julie.  You may be nodding your head.  I am a 
technician, draftsman 80% of my life.  I can draw a straight line use 
99

measuring instruments and drawing devices.  My oldest son is a born 
artist, the art comes from his left hand effortlessly.  I have given 
drawing a try, it resembles Lennon's scribbles only worse.  I am 
fascinated with origami.  Have made 100+ folds, but it's difficult to keep 
them all in mind.  I do a rabbit now that I give to girls everywhere, guys 
don't appreciate it.  Dave, I'd love to eat a good lunch with you and the 
others and drink a good beer and feel the connection we have.  I'm afraid 
Melinda is the only one close.  Although I met a girl managing a 
McDonald's, just transplanted from Michigan.  Can you feel the pain and 
the hesitation and complete terror, sometimes.  I found Portland and feel 
good there.  I'm headed back.  I'll resume the weekly coffee with the 
scientologist, Laurie.  I suppose there is a lot of conspiring behind the 
scenes.  My own son, he thought I was asleep talks on the phone to a 
friend about how terrible I am.  I left for good last night.  He calls and 
asks me if i am alright.  Where is an Ex-JW to go, what is he to do?  Or 
she.  Is that the end of life?  Is it the beginning.  Let it be so.  I 
listen to more of today's music, now.  It's fun and stress relieving.  My 
Mother didn't like me playing the Beatles, in the day.  Oh how she 
manipulated.  And unseen, not physically present, she manipulates.  I 
started city college at 18.  I loved it.  I stayed with my father and his 
new and younger woman.  His Mother and step Father and the rest of the 
clan despised my Mom and JW's with it and completely endorsed him.  And 
me.  And i began to strongly feel I was betraying my Mom.  I would still 
go to meetings and, baptized, Dave would study with me every week.  He got 
me put in charge of sound and the mikes.  But I was serving 2 masters.  
And I liked them both.  Because of the pressure to submerse myself in the 
world and all it has to offer(I was given a good part-time job in my field 
and had hopes of transferring to University, oh the dreams that were 
mine), one day I gave all the school and job and my Father and the other 
supporters who believed in me, up.  Because they were directing me to the 
broad road, or that's what I was taught to believe.  I went back and forth 
between these 2 forces continually.  My Dutch Reform Protestant 
Grandmother got me a job with Lockheed.  Lockheed!  Security clearance and 
everything.  But I was living with her, stopped the meetings and, although 
I was working on maintenance platforms for aircraft, the rest of the plant 
developed missile propulsion products.  I was living a lie.  I was in one 
and out the other, or vice versa.  What is a pitiable 18 year old supposed 
to do, equipped with brains, but also with a conscience.  I gave it up and 
worked for a feed mill 5 years.  An elder got me the job.  Woe is 
me.   ...Bill  ps: thank God for spell check...





Carl, what's the cost of membership in pdxblackbook?  I would love to
have pics of Talia.  She's my favorite stripper and I watch her a lot
at Dancin' Bare.  It comes short of a private dance, but I would always
have her in my pants pocket.





My Son reminds me: "He that does the will of God, remains forever."  Is this Scripture 
acquisition the result of listening closely to sermons?  I know people read 
98
the Bible 
to the point of OCD.  I was not a reader in youth, but now I dig Shakespeare.  I would 
not have been a scribe or copyist before Gutenberg.  Too laborious.  I can't read, 
unless it grabs me.  I've tried and tried to read "A Tale of Two Cities" and I can't get 
through it.  Moby Dick, 3 times.  Dan Brown, all his 4 books.  I prefer the Watchtower 
to the Awake.  I'm not ready to read a news story, only to get it tied into Scripture. 
Justin is going watch Motocross, today, all day, so I am by my lonesome.  Malcolm 
hasn't called and it's noon, he has Angela.  I'll spend time, inanely here at the library 
and go to Justin's and eat something.  Lydea, a stripper at Lucky Devil, she also 
performs at Devil's Point, cool names, she and I were stool to stool at the bar, my 
Pabst, her water.  She suggests I find a hobby.  Like what, I say.  She says sailing. 
I like her tattoos, a dragon writhes down the front of her torso.  She says the tattoos, 
she's going to get many more, keeps her connected to the Underworld, whatever that 
is. 
I am going check out a book on the Great Depression and one on the 101 most 
influential people who never lived.  Betty Boop is in there.


A Variable.  What is it?  How does it play a part in HTML?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Thx, Julie.  It's not easy being in this position.  But all is not lost.  
Kids  :(,  Wives  :(,  Family  :(.  It is good to get things out.  Sometimes.
96
My Ex disclosed she had sex with dogs when she was in junior high and
resumed, before we split.  She told me this so I would have grounds to
divorce.  She discussed it with elders.  A marriage certificate and a
divorce means nothing.  I'm staying with Justin another week, because I
would go hungry between Salvation Armies, which are only in big cities.
It's tough, though, the demands and ill regard and all that history.





"Do I have to choose, now, right now, between the blessing and the malediction? 
Life everlasting or eternal damnation." No Bill, only if you 
95
feel moved 
to. I hope my letters never threaten you to make a choice as if I were 
another religionist at your door guilting you into another way to follow. 
I can't help but feel your pain Bill and well, stuff starts flowing out of 
me. I want to thank you for helping me go a little backwards in time 
though. I mean, you make me remember the pain. I think that helped 
Brittany to know about my period of doubt. I could not bear "making a 
choice" either for a while and I certainly didn't want to argue doctrine 
as you had to endure at 15. I am so sorry for all you have had to go 
through. Bill, I believe in a God who will carry you through at your own 
pace. That includes any time you have to spend exploring what's 
not "Christian." However, when your own conscience bothers you and puts 
you in a hell on earth, why continue? Therefore, those choices become 
strictly your own then don't they? They have nothing to do with God or 
religion at that point but only your own sanity. As the saying goes, "if 
it feels good, do it." Well, if the thing that makes someone else feel 
good bothers your conscience, then it no longer feels good does it? So 
there ya have it, we're all going at our own pace. I am glad you are on 
the Meet up board posting. Your writing things out is good therapy isn't 
it? I appreciate all your honesty. Go easy on yourself as a parent. You 
did what you thought was best at the time. I'm trying to tell myself that 
too these days. Your friend, Julie





Thx, again Julie.  You have all the answers :).  And David, and Melinda.
Last night Malcolm and Angie and I drove home from seeing my Mom.  I
94
annouced I was leaving tomorrow.  I was unable, at one time to make decisions
like that.  Then Devorah, the theapist put me wise.  I didn't have to
put up with my abusive wife, nor did I have to continue subjecting myself
to the "pressure", going to meetings, door-to-door, commenting at meetings,
generally being somebody I wasn't.  Now, this morning I decided to postpone
the trip, another "my decision".  No one should brow beat another into subjection.
It's a dastardly power trip.

"It's your soul.", Melinda.  That's what my Son said, just that.  I taught him well,
every meeting, service, conventions, family study, later others 
93
studying with them out of
books, because I relapsed into depression.  He asked his brother, if he wants to see
Dad destroyed.  He objects to my Web page.  After 5 months, I went with Justin, Sunday
and it was a little too much.  About the spring, that's what happened to me when I was
22.  A girl, just studying saw me at work and took a
romantic interest.  I had quazi-girl friends before, but this was different, so I tried
to ratchet up the witness thing and spent a lot of time with her.  Then she decided
I wasn't for her.  I went into a tail spin.  I became catatonic one night, after a fifth
of whiskey and driving the freeway.  Drove to the hospital, where they were unable
to get a word out of me.  Checked me in.  A girl, fellow patient brought her dinner
tray and sat next to me on the bench, I was against the wall.  She started talking
to me and I suddenly sprang, involuntarily from my seat shook violently, my whole body.
Landed on the floor with 6 orderlies trying to stop the flailing and get the straight jacket on.
They locked me in a room strapped me to the bed and injected something, that I pleaded with them
5 minutes later to give me more.
I'd like to have a profession and not be paranoid every time I come into contact with someone, and
accept them for who they are, and resist the desire to preach to them and offer them the supreme truth.

The question of, do I have to believe this way and/or that way, reacting to a
campaign of education, re this subject or that subject, prompts me to ask
92
what are the important questions and does it matter.  While I was in elementary school
there were 2 tracks, maybe 3, school and all that new learning, which was exciting and
engaging, pleasure, the things I did for fun, and the "Truth".  There were others
of less consequence.  The "Truth", while always prominent, was relegated by me
to third place.  For some reason my performance needed major improvement and I
just let it slack, too occupied by the other tracks.  I guess.  When I married
it was necessary to make a good impression to snag my wife and it felt good to
belong and Lydia, in the beginning was an asset I could count on.  The priorities
seem to be the same today.  I have adopted new and exciting pleasures and I still
love to go to school.  The pressure, however is like a curse, to move the third
priority to one.  A feeling of responcability.  To God, to others and to myself.
Why is it important to accept Jesus as my one and only personal Savior.  Because
Hell is the alternative?  To be superior?  Is one man better than another in the
final analysis?  I think, not.  There are thousands(I haven't counted), spiritual
mind-sets existing among the rest.  Does the Christian mind-set have a common and
unifying philosphy and worthy of adopting?  That is the question you are asking
me, isn't it Julie?  The claim of Jehovah's Witnesses, and it evolved into the one
today, early on, the way I understand history, is, their belief system is THE one.
But, it is not unlike the general Christian philosophy and sprang from it.  There
are differences.  Of course.  They go on about the inadequesy of inter-faith.  Do
you want me to join the campaign for inter-faith and be content with that?  I say,
because inter-faith doesn't make sense.  It would be comfortable.  Where will it
lead?  Scientologists have their idea, that through auditing, an inner peace, they
call it good tone can be achieved.  Do I want inner peace?  Yes, it appears to
be in the Fates to be spiritual, one way or another.  All I want is the pressure
to stop.  That I did inheret, when my Mother accepted the Bible study from the 2
special pioneers in 1954.
Devorah, my most successful therapist, told me, I am doing exactly fine.  I am making
my own way, however difficult it is.  She said to trust my intuition(my Son
lambasted intuition, as a false god), and use my intellect to sort things out.  Not
a bad proposition.  Except that it led Bertrand Russel to become an Athiest.
Devorah got me to respect myself and leave the abusive family situation I was in.
That was 12 years, ago.  Due to her work, over a year's time, I am independent, that
is I realize I am independant.  I would go to meetings and service when 15, because
my Mother expected it.  When I went to live with my Father, who long before smarted
up and defected, I went to meetings, studied, participated, because it was my
choice, alone.  Yes, I want another family.  I want the old one back.  But at what
cost?  I have no obligation to the old family.  They care little about me, except
that I make them look bad.  They have their lives, I have mine.  Yes I have a life,
a life that has meaning to me and is worth something to me.  They work hard for what
they have, I am on my way to Brother Benno's for breakfast and a sack 
lunch.

"Is it alright, I don't go to the meeting, tonight?"  This I asked my son, 
Justin.  He puts in 40 hours a month in the field and has numerous 
studies.  His Mother, I am guessing puts in 0.  I am afraid to give him 
91

the wrong impression, after going Sunday.  Am I in or out?  And if I am 
in, why and how is it proved and, if I am out, why and how is it proved 
and does it matter, either way?
In: do the average witnessing, constantly talk about the Faith and 
promises.  Attend all meetings.  Pray, study, be faithful.  Out: the 
opposite.  Why in: it feels good, it is good, there is no alternative.  
Why out: it feels good, it is good, there is no alternative.  Looks like 
it doesn't matter.  Does it matter to others and should I be concerned.  
Yes and no.  Or no and no.  But not Yes and yes or no and yes.  So things 
are good in the present state.  That's not true, because I am racked with 
guilt.  That's my problem, I care too much.
Not only am I bothered by the guilt, but I neglect to do as I really wish 
and miss out on things and that's why, at 57 I am taking risks.  Or is 
there more to it?

You will make me cry, soon, Julie. Because you are close to right on about 
me.Yes, I want to believe in nothing. Because "what is truth". The Bible 
90

may be"philosophies of men", for all I know. Yep, when you quote S
cripture, I do getthe hee bee gee bees. Oh with respect to crying, I 
would cry every session in my longcareer of therapy. Then one therapist 
said to me, why do you cry in therapy,I think it annoyed him and didn't 
seem necessary. It may be related to why Icannot pray. I have a struggle 
with being honest and displaying emotion. No, no debating doctrine. My 
Mother did that, once with my Grandmother, theDutch one(and I don't wear 
wooden shoes), and her minister and an Elder. I wasforced to be present, I 
must have been 15 at the time. What a tense affair andabsolutely no 
convictions on either side were changed. Imagine, 3 hours ofharangue and 
not a budge from either party.
I do have an affinity to you, Julie, it's a bit fuzzy. It scares me. Do I 
have to choose, now,right now, between the blessing and the malediction? 
Life everlasting or eternaldamnation.
I went from beard to no beard, backto beard and, this morning at 5:30, no 
beard, over the last year and a half. I grew a good onein '98 and kept it 
until it prevented me from finding more work. My first beard.Then in 2007, 
I started "dating" Sylvia. She was a fellow mentally ill patient atthe 
clinic. We attended group together for 4 years, 3 times a week and she 
finally said she thoughtshe loved me. I spent all my time at her place, 
the last couple months of our knowing each other.She restored my sense of 
self-worth and I felt like a human and a man, again.  A man with a woman. 
One night I was leaving her place and she called me back andsaid, Bill I 
don't want to be just friends anymore, kiss me. The kissing went ona 
couple or 3 weeks, when she brought up sex and how she wouldn't do ituntil 
we were married, but the next day, I arrived and she said do you want 
to.We were both thinking the same thing. She closed the curtain in the 
front room,I don't why, because we went into her room. Trouble is the 
Lamectal made me impotent, but she was successfulanyway. Must have been a 
long time for her. When she moved to her daughter'sin SC, she wanted me to 
go too, but her daughter didn't like the idea. Well, allthe while we were 
in it together, in the back of my head, of course was what adope, don't I 
know I am one of God's servant's. A Jehovah's Witness and I'm supposedto 
be seen and have feelings, only for fellow servants. In fact all others, 
male and femaleare cursed and of the lowest and vilest form. I started the 
new beard, when I learnedshe was leaving. I react badly to change. Like 
when I realized my parents would,eventually part. Over the Truth. And my 
Brother and I were mere collateral damage.When my Father died at 60, I cut 
the hair on my head off and lost a good job with Hughes Aircraft, because 
of it.
I'm going to Albuquerque, soon and maybe through Denver to Portland. Would 
love tohave coffee with you. Justin is letting up on me, because he sees 
Angela treat me sokindly and it makes him look like a jerk. and he can't 
provoke me into a break down,like Mike nearly did a week,ago. So life goes 
on and we all live out our plans and schemesand some spend hours trying to 
convert others to the pure waters. And, me, I justspin ludicrously in 
limbo, wanting, but forever failing to break out. ...Bill





Hi Brittany, I didn't get to one meeting in 5 months, then, Sunday I went with 
my Son, because he loves me and doesn't want to see me destroyed. I do not 
89
want to lose the hope of living forever, but I'm on Prozac now and it has erased 
all inhibition. I have slept with 3 prostitutes, since and regularly visit strip clubs. 
Something a few women find entertaining, too. Talia is my favorite. Once in 
a while I will tell her after her third dance on the stage, let's get it over with. 
She replies, meet you at the chair. We called it our place, some distance from 
the stage, against a wall. Strippers do not judge. Sky says to me, "Life is short.", 
We talk at the bar together and I tell her about Tauyna. This is tawdry stuff, but 
like I say, no inhibitions. 
Lydea, she has a beautiful dragon tattoo the length of her torso, says I should 
find a hobby, she suggests sailing. Always wanted to learn. Well, when I keep 
busy, the demons, the constant banging going on in my head(do the "Truth", 
again) disappears. I get in a state of worried frenzy any time I try to befriend 
a worldling. It's automatic. The only way I could get through it is invite him 
to Dancin' Bare for beer and pool. ...Bill

Hi Julie.  I'm in a motel room in Stanton, CA on my road trip.
My brother reluctantly picked me up at the Union Station in LA.
88
30 hour trip from Portland.  It was fun.  But missed the mountain
scenery in lower OR and Northern CA, because we went
through in the dead of night.  Apparently Mike's wife won't
have her brother-in-law one night, because he doesn't excel
in the Work and Faith.  Saw a Calvary Chapel in LA.  Ruthann
got me to go with her twice.  Maybe I'll visit while I'm down
in Vista with my son.  The music is nice, but I won't follow
the Scriptures, maybe a little.
Met my traveling companion in the next seat on the train.  His
wife, dead 3 months, had Scientologists and JW's working on
her.  He said he gave up on religion 37 years, ago.  Something
must have happened.  He's a 37 year resident of Portland and
seems very happy.
Im happy, because I'm sticking to my position, no more meetings
or thoughts about Heaven and Hell.  My Family's displeasure is
not swaying me in the least.  Strip Club down the road, I may
have a few dollar bills in my pocket.





Doing well, thx for your last message.  Going to Valley Center one night this week
and camp out to get away.  The Vista Library is very nice, used to go here.  
87
Laptop,
I am so happy with my choice!  ACER.  Not getting on with son, Justin.  Malcolm has
been fine.  Been to his house, his wife Angela is an angel, he's so lucky, she gets
close to him, says nice things, puts her arm around him, everything I wanted and
never got.  He's so lucky.  I can talk to him and the judging is very small, bearable,
whereas Justin lays down the law and enforces his rules.
 
They will take me back up to Anaheim to see Mom and Mike this week.  I won't
have to go on the bus and take half and day and have to find somewhere to hide
the night.





Thirty minutes before arriving in LA, Bill calls Laurie.  The end of the line is
LA Union Station.  Bill disembarks.  LA is laid back, he gets directions from
86
two guys at the bus stop with beers in their hands.  Bill anticipated problems
arriving in LA late.  But Justin twisted Mike's arm and Mike is stepping up to
bat.  "You better save your phone's battery.", Justin tells Bill.  Is that,
really saying Malcolm doesn't want to rack up the minutes?  Bill calls Malcolm
to reach Justin.  Bill hates subterfuge, like the HAL 9000 series in 2001, A
Space Oddessy.  It does something to the circuits.  Friday.  On the train Bill
has had a bagel and cream cheese and 2 Snickers Bars, coffee and 2 Mountain Dews.
So he eats at Subway on First and Artesia.  He sees the City Hall Building
down the street, a short walk away.
Anywhere in LA is bad, says Mike.  Mike and Bei agree on Torrance Station to
meet.  The Mike calls and wants to change the meeting point to Del Amo Fashion
Center, SE corner of Hawthorne and Torrance Bl.  The New Zealand girl changes seats
on the train and joins Bill across the aisle.  The y converse a while, 10 minutes
short of LA.  She lives in Auckland and works for an Engineering firm with
offices all over the world.  She didn't like the 10 hour trip from San Francisco.
Could have flown and stayed in San Francisco another day.  Amtrak stopped 20 minutes
in Oakland in the middle of Jack Londand Square.  Bill suggests to his traveling
companion, "Sea Wolf" is a good read.  Metrolink stopped running for the night.
Maybe Bill will hole up in some cheap Motel in Torrance tonight.  The phone
si still alive.  Bill wants to return to Portland where he feels safe.
Gate 5.  Bill sees Saline one last time at Dancin' Bare.  He stays an hour,
before leaving to the Union Station for his train to LA.  She says she will hug
the girls bye for me.  And clues me in on Talia's debut in Exotic Magazine
promoting the club.  Lulu's in there too.  He chats with a kid on MAX selling
his computer wares and passes his number, after a failed attempt to do
Bluetooth, what ever that is.  The salesman says my phone is Blutooth nuetered.





Hi Laurie, had a fight over the phone with Justin, but we got through it and I 
will be there tonight after all, I almost turned around and headed home 
85

with my tail between my legs.  My Mom is doing ok and she lives in a nice 
place and is attended to by nice people.  But my intuition is right, Mike, 
my Brother feels extremely guilty he doesn't have her at his place.  And I 
think he should feel guilty, but there is no possibility I can change his 
mind.  She was with me a couple months in my RV. That was in '02.  She 
requires help getting out of the chair, now.  Mike cried pretty good, 
today, he recalled the day my Father left us and my Mom cried so badly and 
he felt so helpless.  He was 12.  Things with me, at the moment are back on 
track.  Thanks for listening, Bill...





The train stops in San Jose.  Bill's traveling companion gets off.  Bill
goes up to the observation car.  Bill goes for a Sprite and to write at a 
84
table.
He takes off his shirt, unmasking the Cabaret t-shirt.  He calls Justin.
Justin insists he ask Mike to stay the night.  He asks him to call later
with the result.
I will get on the Web, next, Saturday, AM at a Starbucks in Orange County,
maybe 7 AM.  Or, if Mike picks me up, Friday night, maybe 10:30 PM.  Bill's
left ear crackles.  The elevation must be high.  The train rolls along.
Bill's leaving Oregon a while.  He wakes at precisely 4:49 in the morning
in his seat, the back inclined backward 20 degrees.  Just in time to silence
the phone alarm, that begins it's playing of "These Things".  Bill goes to
the dining car for a coffee and pastry.  "Open 6 PM".  Bill sits at a booth
and writes.  He blows his nose, both ears crackle.  A girl emerges from the
bathroom down the corridor.  She and Bill swap smiles.  It's still dark
outside, as Bill looks out.  The train hurries past nameless locales.  Bill
remembers to take his Prozac, which is in his shirt pocket.  It's
February 6, still early in the month.  New adventures are ahead.
Bill composes a to-do list for Saturday and a budget for March.  After 14 hours,
almost half-way, it's a nice train ride, but the seat is not kind to Bill's butt.
But life is good at the moment.  He rises to get a cup of water and looks at
the breakfast menu.  Bagel and cream cheese, $2, coffee, $1.80.
"Are you a proffessor, sir?", the snack bar attendant walks to Bills booth
with his steaming coffee and asks Bill politely.  Bill's Calculus
cheet-sheet is face up and visible on the table.  He's a nice guy.  Last
night he asks his line of customers, if anyone has ones he can buy.  Bill
volunteers 5.  "Life-long student.", returns Bill.
"Since you're such a big man...", the woman waiting for the Eugene stop tells
Bill about the large toilet below decks.     

Hi Bill, OK, let me know when you are back.
83
Have a great trip!  Keep a "Good roads, good weather"
approach with family members who are disagreeable.
Laurie

And the strip clubs, are they hiring?", Malcolm has always had
a sacastic side, so instead of shunning Bill, like he's
82
expected to, he lays it on Bill.  Another control maneuver.
Bill's finally learning.  It takes a certain therapist and
Cathy is the one.  If Bill chooses to spend dollars on the
spinning ladies, so be it, let him rot in hell.




 

Hi Julie, thank you for reading my diatribes and replying. I am conscious of my 
spiritual need, that should be enough to convince me of God's 
81
existence. A 
spirit, apart from the material world. Why do you quote from the NWT? I 
started with the KJ, before the NWT became available. What translation do 
you read, mostly? The American Standard was good. I prefer to read 
something I am comfortable with. I want to be "healed", but healed to 
what, that's where it gets dicey and keeps me where I am. I shouldn't have 
slammed Paul like I did, he is an incredably smart guy. I need a woman in 
my life again, that's why I do the stripper circuit, when they sit with 
you and you buy them a drink and talk, it's more rewarding than the time 
you spend watching them spin around the pole in their birthday suit. Also 
I think the Prozac is depriving me of my inhibitions. All of them. I used 
to only toy with immorality. I talked to a Mormon, waiting for the library 
to open, yesterday and told him, I'm like at the starting point, again, 
don't know what to believe. He and his friend are in their ministry period. 
My Father was Mormon, but not practicing. Am I a JW, not practicing. I 
don't think so, I pretty much made the decision to go it alone and attend 
a meeting here and there, only by personal choice, not because I am a 
slave to subliminal coercion. I'm going to leave Portland next week, visit 
often, though. Going to spend a month with my son in San Diego and then, I 
don't know. Alaska in May, for sure. Fifteenth. ...Bill

PLAN "B":


Lv Portland, 02/05/09
 Go South, 2 wks in SC
Go to El Paso, 2 wks
Room/El Paso, 03/15/09
May 15, Alaska/get ticket now out of Seattle, or
buy vehicle and get passport
Mail forward to Justin
Back to Portland 03/03 to pay loans
Tarp for rain
Lv chair/TV, sell, use money for Petra
Call Marge, "I am leaving the 5th.", (503) 248-9341
uincy?  Attorney
Ft Bragg, Lorraine?
Fallon, dentist?

"Next stop, Yamhill, transfer to MAX.", Bill's on the 44 to PCC.
He's feeling well, since taking the 3 Ibuprofen the Audio/Visual
79
girl at Cascade gave him for the headcahe.  He slept too much last night.
He arranged all the elements in CPT with CSS, but the first one still
hangs up.
At home for lunch(on the way, he picks up outside the Mission, a free
scarf, gloves and sack lunch for which he is grateful), Bill reads
Chapter 19, the XML book from the library.  VML. Vector Mark-up Language.
This is the solution to the graphics program he's been wanting to
create.  So he doen't need AutoCAD to draw and test his Lisp routines.
VML runs inside XML, which is supported by IE.
He hasn't called the Family in 3 days and neither have they called Bill.
And he stopped by T-Mobile and canceled the $10 MyFaves.  He  added
Missy Higgins to IMEEM.  He missed seeing her last month in Portland,
this is the 13th, 20 more days to Payday.  He stole a thumbtack from
school to hang the December calendar, a nice looking girl from hohwow.com
he copied and pasted.  Talia was floored when she saw I could get images
off the Net.  She autographed her picture anyway.  Tonight,
before going home, Bill plans a trip to Clackamas
Town Center.  Too bad he's broke, not enough for a $1.55 coffee.  But
he can't go to bed, too early or it's headache time and he gets on
his bed in front of the TV and falls asleep, invraiably.
Portland has been good to Bill.  He will always remember Portland, no
matter where he is tomorrow.  It's breakfast at the Mission and dinner
early at St Francis, tomorrow, Sunday.




 

Laurie, feeling suicidal again last night, called crisis line.  It helped.  Just
depressed.  Justin said I could have the room, but he's not 
78
getting
back to me, he has  to see if another guy wants it.  I have decided
to stay here.  Go down for visit like I planned.  Called my old
dentist, he said he would give me a break on the bill to re-cement my
crown, may go to Fallon and do it.  Don't have enough days though, have
to pay back loan in Vancouver on the 3rd.  It may take longer to get
there and back.  My Mom is doing ok, Malcolm gives her "another year".
Malcolm is son number two, the IHOP server turned plumber.  He
married a girl a few years ago whos Father is a plumber with
connections.  Wesley is my oldest, I'm afarid he's permanently disabled
with manic-depression.  I talked to him on the phone and he is the
same, slow.  Lily bugged me for a private dance last night, these are 20
bucks, I had to beat her off.  Talia is different, never bugs me.  She
tells me about her life while she's sitting on the counter half naked.
When do these girls lose the inhibitions.  It's not the same, Lee
snuggled up oh so close the other day and then went to the next customer.

Picture of a corner of my dreary room at the Web Page
(http://geocities.com/btlsp2000/news.html).  Going to change the picture
tomorrow.  I want to load the pictures as they rotate to another
page, but my bare-bones account with Geocities has limited storage
capacity.  Been watching old Fugitive episodes on a DVD  from the
library.  "This country's so big, why rot in one place.", said David
Jansen, after being theatened with exposure in a nameless town.  The
episode was directed by Ida Lapino, it was great.  Leslie Nielson was
the boss, great actor and now he does those police comedies.

Looking forward to seeing you...





 

What's on Bill's mind today?

Alaska
El paso
Mexico City
Loans
Justin's room in Vista
My room
DVD's
Talia, Taunya and Lee
HTML
The Doctor
Laurie
Donuts
Kingdom Hall

Bill understands Differentiation and Integration.  They are 2 branches of
Calculus.  They compliment each other.  They are opposites or inverses.
76
To Differentiate you find Differentials.  To integrate you find integrals.
This is done to a function.  A function may be graphed and the result
associated to the graph.  Differentials are found using limits, common
ones are well documented.  Integrals are found from differentials, they are
anti-deriavatives.  Graphs may be of more than 2 dimensions.  2-dimension
graphs consist of the
 ordinate and absissa and were devised by Rene Descarte in 1637.


A Limit is the value a Function approaches, but not necessarily
reaches and is symbolized:
The differential is defined by the limit:

 
The symbolism for the differential is:

   delta y
dy _______, also f'(x), also y'.
   delta x

The symbolism for the integral is:
a∫b f(x) dx, indefinite: ∫ f(x) dx

A list of common integrals: integrals

For a given delta x = dx, the differential corresponding to the
derivative is:

, for instance:
 
For delta x = 0.1 and f(x) = x^3,

  dy        f'(x)    3x^2   nx^(n-1)
_______ =  _______ = ____ = ________ and
delta x    delta x   0.1      0.1

the derivative is nx^(n-1).

The integral of nx^(n-1) is x^n.

If there are no known differentials(derivatives) for a problem,
an approximation may be obtained using the Newton Method.
 
The gradient is the vector of greatest slope at a point of a 3-dimensional
function: f(x, y, z).  Use partial differentiation.

           [symbol]y  [symbol]x     
symbolism: _________, _________.
            delta x    delta y
A list of common Differentials: Differentials

Integrals may be interpreted as the area below a curve
defined by a function.



 

Controling.  The theapist says my sons and brother seem very controling.
Bill agrees.  Are they?  They have expectations and when the expectations
75
do not match the behaviour, immediate suspicion occurs and the sinner is
damned.  Deviation is not an option.  Hold to the line.  The way is, after
all, narrow.  The Ex-JW Web sites is a dead end.  They are not Bill.
Bill is Bill.  No one like him.  No one like him.

Thank you very much Julie, the Scientologist says my demons are not
due to the mental illness, but the pain life has caused me and I should
74
get in touch with it and seek the good things that have happened to me.
But the trouble I had that night I drove myself to the ER was real and
it came from somewhere I had no knowledge of or control of and that's
been the way it is ever since. A JW friend tried to get me to pray. I cannot
pray, not because I am guilty of something and do not have access, but
I just cannot pray. I am afraid I am doomed to fear and trepidation
all my life. I did listen to a couple DVD's Christy sent(boy she's fast).
She's spot on when it comes to the hardships a JW has, and blocks.
But Andre warned me about jumping from one thing to another, he has
a friend, a one-time Mormon and says it is harder to leave than JW's.
I live and I'm getting more enjoyment out of life, if I can limit my contact
with my family, beacause the guilt is triggered immediately around them
and I turn into putty and put on my party mask and assume the creep
I don't want to be. ...Bill
Well, first, my Father shacked up with a barmaid after he left us, because Mom 
decided she was going to heaven and my first visit with my Dad and Judy, 
they had up a, yes, Christmas tree. It floored me and the 2 weeks I stayed 
with him that time were uncomfortable. Like the year I had to say the 
Pledge of Alegence in Spanish class in Spanish every morning, despite my 
protest to the teacher, "It's just learning Spanish", she said.

Thanksgiving. My Mom made a turkey one year and served it to my wife and I 
at her place on the Day. My Ex, to this day say's, "Bill's Mom ate turkey 
on Thanksgiving." My brother and I visited our grandparents a lot when we 
were little, devout Dutch Reform Protestant from the old country. My 
grandma so wanted to put gifts for us under the tree, but that was out. 
And we didn't mind.

I took up a with marvelous 33 year-old, I was 46, after my wife and boys 
left me. She only wanted to play house and I left after 6 months of joy 
mixed with frustration. She was Episcopalian, former Catholic. She got me 
to go to church with her twice. I liked the music, but the message was 
routine. That year she had the turkey dinner and invited her folks. She 
also has 3 young boys. She wanted me to be there, "Your first 
Thanksgiving." I showed, it was ok, I beat back my nausea. Ruthann was 
kind and loving and she played softball and I went with her to all her 
games. I will never forget her, I can't find her after she moved, she has 
a fear of the Internet and searchs have been futile.

She walked out of the shower with just a towel and walked to the front 
door where I was sitting, for me on my birthday. I told her to tie me up, 
until the 12th of August when my appeal would go through for Disability. I 
fled, the 8th and haven't looked back. Much.

I've been rewarded over the year with an extended stay in N CA, because I 
was homeless living in my truck and penniless and the the gift of Oregon, 
where everyone, for the most part is tolerant, I don't know how many girls 
and girls, and guys and guys I've seen kissing and holding hands on 
Portland sidewalks. Also I've found the strippers in Portland. These are 
friendly girls that enjoy getting naked for an audience of salivating men
(and women) and like to talk, too and let you buy them a drink. A real 
treat for a lonely guy, who is about to give up on finding love, again. 
And I am blessed with the prospect of moving to Alaska in May, where I may 
be able to hide out and find peace from my demons.

My new doctor here started me on Prozac and it seems to be working 
wonders, with only one side-effect, I have to buy help for the ED. And 
Andre, my therapist put me onto Ex-JW sites on the Internet. Oh, and my 
back is feeling better than a year ago. I started getting constant pain in 
a number of places and the doctors don't know what's wrong. I've also 
blocked my phone to calls by my brother and son, who would chastize me 
regularly and make me feel guilty.

to the 4jehovah group:

hello, i have been thinking about going to church, shame, shame.  for the 
73

community, like the St Francis dining hall, where i eat calls it.  so i 
picked out a couple in my journys around town: chritian scientists, 
presbyterian and yes, seventh-day adventist.  sunday, i took the bus to 
the cs building, only to chicken out, it looked like a church, it was a 
church.  heaven forbid.  now the s-da place has a fine billboard with 
catchy limericks, like: "be an organ donor, give your heart to god".  
well, i think i'm going to find a chess club.

 

"I'm going to borrow Bill.", Lee tells Crystal, the bartendar, takes
Bill's hand in her's and leads him to the Private Room.  An hour earlier
72
Bill asks Crystal for dollars for his 2 5's, "For the pretty ladies?"
Bill's just happy to be in Crystal's company at Lucky Devil on a Sunday
afternoon.  Lee sits next to Bill at the bar and they talk shop: Talia,
Dancin' Bare, Devil's Point, sex, marriage, boyfriends, girlfriends,
Sadam and Osama, Taunya, Crystal.  She loves sex, she says, unabashed.
"If you have a face, you're my furniture.".  After the second dance, Lee
gives Bill one like no other, sorry, he confesses he'll have to see
Taunya, now.  "They miss you."
"Thanks for hanging out with me, you went past your hour."  Lee's
leaving.  "Hope to see you soon, I'm going to go home and paint my nails."
She's at Fetish Night somewhere in town on Fridays and Bill tells her
he has one fetish, feet.  "What's your favorite shoe size?  Six and a half,
good."  Lee's worked at Lucky Devil 3 weeks, after an 8 month hiatus.
 

Well, I missed a party at work for a guy leaving. He did get a visit from a
stripper, at work at lunch. What would I have done had I been 
71
present,
cringe, I guess. A girl friend, Episcopalian, later asked me how
women can do that. I enjoy strippers, now, since being on Prozac. Yes,
I cannot accept the "worldly person" as a viable entity. You know only
the baptized, who believe in the Lord and worship Jehovah are going to
make it. The others are destined to Hell, unfortunately, which means
many billion will burn baby burn. Oh, I mean Gehenna. And knash teeth.

 

Well, I think we know the cross is similar to the phallic symbol going back to Nimrod, I guess, not that
70
I discourage sex.  Since getting new vibes on religion, I'm re-discovering sex.  A Scientologist I ran
into and have coffee with, now reminded me sex is not bad, but a natural desire and propogates the
race.  I think the Da Vinci Code went too far.  A non-witness friend believes the Bible to be nothing
but a story, so are all the accounts of Jesus true?  The Witness speil is yes, multiple writers prove it
and Jesus is historical.  I suppose that goes for the rest of the Bible.  But the Bible is a collection
by men and maybe Contantine had a part in the 4th century in finalizing it.  Certainly Guttenberg
contributed his share.  I still don't know what to believe, but know that I miss the human interaction,
however oppressive at the Meetings and the physcological comfort I get from doing something I
have always done.  My Father's family were Jack Mormons and he was baptized to please the wife.
Then Mom suddenly became born-again.  But he was "worldly, through and through and his devotion
lasted 2 years and he was back to everything, including a Christmas tree to please his new partner
after leaving my Mom, me and 2 brothers, under age 14.  He didn't want to have anything to do with
us anymore, maybe because of guilt, maybe because he knew the Truth would intrude on his
preferred life style.
So, I'm in Portland, now, 57 and loving life, only I want the years back I was in limbo, agonizing over
Jehovah, what he thought of me and what would happen if I defected.
 

Bill accomplished the major item on his To-do list: apply to
Labor-Work.  After the paperwork and tests the girl Bill if he wished
69
to go on the "Available List" today, to which he said yes.  He also
applied to the neighbor, BBSI.  The recruiter promised to call Thursday.
And there is work driving cars in the Auction.  Now Bill must get his
license BACK.
 

Hi, Julie
Thx for the encouragement.  I missed out on most of my ambitions from early 
on, because I was influenced by the "Truth", I didn't know any better, 
68
I
was a 9 year old.  Now I'm watching strippers and seeing call girls in
Portland, my new home.  It may be the Prozac, started when I got here.
But my brother and sons expect me down shortly to see my ailing mom
(annointed) and I think they plan a trap.  I advertise my activity in
my Web Page(http://geocities.com/btlsp2000).  I caught Schizo-effective
Disorder somehow when I was 22 and a girl studying noticed me, we
got together and she dumped me.  Couldn't talk and admitted myself.  Got
better, married a pioneer, had three kids, wife abused me badly, broke
up 22 years later.  On my own 11 years now.  3 girls friends later.
Didn't quite get off the ground with any of them, one a witness who
was married to a guy 15 years older than she and she wanted to marry
me.  Nearly had sex with Sylvia, but the med I was on made me
impotant and I wasn't using Viagra yet.  I know I'm talking alot, but
what the heck.

A Scientologist I met at the Mall got me reading "Self-Analysis" by
L Ron Hubard.  The cross is prominant on one of their books, that's a
turn off, since we know it's pagan from the day of Nimrod and sex worship.
I have been affected by the past, the book is about looking at the past.
From what Laurie has told me, Scientologists believe in re-incarnation.
Can't convince me.  Also I think there has to be a creator.
Laurie's convinced if I keep Self-Analysis up, I'll feel better.

...Bill
 
 

When Bill didn't call in Brandon drove to his RV space.  Bill never missed
work and the one or two times he did, he called in.  But, today Bill
67
battoned the hatch, hitched the Toyota to the back and left Fallon for
what he thought was for good.  He had been respected, even revered for his
character and skills when he worked for SMI-Joist before.  But the day
before in the review, tony King told him he had to talk more and that he
would help.  what they missed was Bill's Schizo-Affective Disorder.  He
tried to tell them, they weren't listening.  Owner of the park fired
Lorrie and Dan the managers.  Bill loved Lorrie and Dan.  She didn't like
Dan's occasional menacing look.  the day in February was not a good day.
Bill drove his rig to Carson City and parked it at one of the two parks
in town and found another job.
 

1972, December, San Bernardino Community Hospital, San Bernardino,
California.  Debbie noticed Bill at work and asked Don Day about
66
him.  She was studying with Jehovah's Witnesses.  Bill fell in
love with her and they began spending time with each other.  Bill
still had trouble going in field service and doing assignments on
the Ministry School.  But he wanted to improve his appearance for
Debbie.  But it was a block wall.  They took a long drive to Lake
Elsinore in Bill's VW and Bill's conversation skills went flat.
Eventually Debbie dumped Bill.  Bill was devestated and confused.
He became paranoid at work dealing with others and started drinking
too much.  He was on the freeway going North one night trying to cope
and became desparatly anxious and in a frenzy and about to lose
control of his senses.
 

Laurie, at the Beaverton Library.  Updated http://geocities.com/btlsp2000/news.html.
I am improving the calculator on the home page with one of my own.  I made
65
one in Lisp that works on AutoCAD, complete with Trig functions.  This one
is going to include Vector functions.  I have them in Lisp too, just not on the
calculator.
Met another nice stripper, last night, actually 2.  But the one may, someday
rival Talia.  Instead of getting the laptop, January, I'm going to pay the
 remainder of my tuition for last term and register in DE's for Winter.
 I did 4 weeks in Carson City at Western Nevada College, but had to
leave, darn, because I was doing well at solving Differential Equations
 and enjoying it beyond words.  With DE's you can solve just about
 any mathematical problems and most problems can be reduced to mathematics, funny,
huh.
I need some more Ibuprofhen, getting some from the 4-Square church and
going to the county clinic, Monday where I can put the $5 on my tab.

We have to do coffee.                         ...Bill
 

Is Praise Jah in order?  I am going to the Kingdom Hall, Sunday.  A different one.
But why, I ask myself over and over again.  Am I nuts?  I've been frequenting 
64
whores and liking
it and I'm not hiding it, so I'll be getting a letter, like my Father once did.  Shocked,
he showed it to me.  I was 15, I am 57.  He's dead and gone.  I will be, too.  He
took up with a bar-maid, after he left us.  I am more creative.  Should be getting the
STD any day.  The price of comfort.  My Mother is on the ramp to Heaven, not getting
around much.  She was always semi-tolerant of my errant ways.  I love her.  I love
everybody.  Satan may not exist.  Going to miss the Christmas dinner at St Francis
dining hall, today, because I ate breakfast and prefer to catch up on tasks on the
computer.  The jump off a building sindrome is vanishing from my thoughts, that's
good.  I guess.  But I am lonely and it doesn't get any better.
Wishing all my fellow disidents well in their pursuit of peace and happiness.        ...Bill
 

I met Sylvia at the Fallon Mental Health Clinic, in Group.  We saw
each other 3 or 4 times a week for 4-1/2 years.  Sylvia is tall,
63
50, shy, but pleasant.  The group ranged from 4 to 12 particpants.
After 4 years they were invited to the local cinema for a forgetable
film.  The next day, Sylvia invited any that wanted to, to her
apartment to watch DVD's.  She had a selection.  Bill and 2 others
showed up for a few days, then it was Bill and Sylvia.  They became
friends.  Soon Bill was at her place every day for hours.  Their
favorite film, "Southern Comfort", about a military exercise in
Mississippi that goes terribly wrong.  On Tuesday night they watch
NCIS, a favorite of both.  Sylvia begins making dinner.  She calls
Bill and asks him if he's coming over.

One night Bill leaves the one-bedroom upstairs apartment and walks
to his truck.  He hears Sylvia say, "Bill."  Bill walks back up and
through the doorway.  Sylvia says, "Bill I want to be more than
friends.  Kiss me."  Their lips meet and they embrace.  The kissing
goes on for 30 minutes or more, they lose track of time.  This goes
on, day after day.  Sylvia says she thinks she is in love with Bill.
But sex won't happen until they're married.  Sylvia begins to be
concerned with her mental health and her daughter doesn't like her
seeing Bill.  So she plans to leave Fallon to live with her daughter
in South Carolina.  Sylvia asks Bill to join her.  Her son-in-law
flies to Nevada, rents a truck and moves her things.  Bill drives
to the Reno Airport and they never see each other again.  Bill
writes but gets no reply.
 
 

I hit a milestone, a minute ago on the computer here at the Cascade campus.
I got one of my critical programs working.  It's a simple one, but the
..62
understanding I have from it will enable me to progress with the others at
a faster rate.  The computation, the vector cross-product works and the
resulting 3 vector values are displayed in the textboxes, cptx, cpty and cptz.
I saw the numbers come up when I hit the Compute button and immediately
I said, are those correct, if so, I did it.  I have to clean the presentation up.
Like the 2 given vectors, their boxes should line up vertically.  And I will add
an illustration at the top.  And a few horizontal rules.
 
It's at
/CPT.
 
Going to leave, definetly in the morning, after breakfast at the Mission.
I stocked up on food with a bag from St Vincent.  It should get me South
where I expect my brother and sons to feed me.  Is that too much to
expect, Laurie?  I also will definitely stop in Quincy to get the lawyer
on my case against GMAC and get my license back and hopefully compensation
for the grief.
 
Yeah, I should start expecting a show of friendship from anyone I trust and
hang around with and if it goes the other way, forget about them.  Does that
apply to Family, though?  I think so.  Their tone is what I would call loooow, if
I get the tone thing.  I want to see my Mother, she's in a bad way.
 
Well, going back to work, see you...               ...Bill
 

Hi Laurie.  Thanks for writing, we have to do coffee again when I get back, if
I don't wind up staying in El Paso.
 
I seem to recall most the time period, 9 years to 14 years.
There was a girl, Jeanie Bills, who lived 9 blocks away.  We just moved to 
61
town,
Lennox, CA, below the LAX landing path.  She was a JW, too, well we were
both young and unbaptised, but we were at all the meetings, participated in
them, went out in the field service every Saturday and Sunday mornings.
I really didn't pay much attention to her, when she calls and says she wants to
come over and play in the water with me.  So she comes walking down the
street in her one-piece and takes my breathe away, a real girl, interested in being
a friend of mine.
 
We must have been 10.  Then one day the kids our age were at a friend's house
playing spin the bottle, this was a no no, but I stayed anyway, one of the girls
I liked and relished a kiss with her.  One of her beautiful eyes, or both were a bit
cross-eyed, which was none the less attractive.  2 years on Burin Avenue and we
moved into the house in front of Jeanie's, her Mother, Father and older sister, Phillis
and Brother.  They owned the property.  We became playmates.  Phillis eventually
married the boy nextdoor.  One day Jeanie and I were in the garage, it was dark
and full of things, no space to park a car.  We were sitting close under a shelf and
she asked me to kiss her.  I leaned forward and went for her lips, but fell over the
clutter and never got the kiss.
 
We were in the same grade, but never in the same class.  In our 7th grade we
were both elected by our classmates as representatives of our classrooms in the
Student Body Government.  June nominated me and I won out over the ever
popular Alan Percy, who was cute but a real shorty.  Those were happy years.
Jeanie was getting to where she wanted sex and told me so and said if I didn't
do it with her she would do it with someone else and she told me who that someone
was.  I couldn't braek my promise to God to be good, she apparently could.  My
family moved again, we were always moving, but we came back, after 2 years
and I learned that Jeanie was living with an older guy in Inglewood and was
disfellowshipped(excommunicated, to be shunned and given up to the heathens).
I felt really bad, but I knew I had no choice when she asked me to have sex.
What a louse and child I was back then.
 
I had a paper route in those years, my first job, Sunday was hard, because of the
huge paper and the number of customers I had.  LA Examiner, no longer a paper,
but the big one, then.  I loved my bike, a Schwin, my Dad bought for me.  Another,
but not really, friend, Jerry Barnett took it once, I didn't know it until I went to get
it for my route.  We used to wrestle and he would always get the mastery of me
and he would have me on the ground and rub his knuckles in my scalp, boy I
remember that hurting.  I loved him though, even the way he treated me.  I heard
he was shot dead in a gun battle.  I learned to dance at 12 from his older sister, Judy.
Those are some of the memories that came up regarding those times.
 
When I answered the questions about pleasure and good feelings my experience with
Taunya never failed to be the predominant recall.  She is a lady of the night I spent
time with.  She was so warm and willing and we had a good time in her small but
nice apartment.  This is something completely foreign to me but I could get used to
it allright.  And if I get something from it, I will suffer, but I don't feel it now.
 
I told my brother Mike about the suicide and he called my youngest, Justin, who
called and said he understood how hard it is being alone.  He suggested I get back
to being friends with Paul, something that will NOT happen.  I met him at the 
Colloseum at a JW convention over 4th of July.  I arrived in Portland 21 June.  I was
living in my truck, had been, since 12 March, when I couldn't pay my rent in the nice
studio in Reno.  SSA took my March check.  I roamed Northern CA, before coming
here.  Stuck in Redding 3 months, penniless and hungry.  Paul was abusive.
 
Today I plan to catch up on as much homework as I can.  Also sell my cowboy boots
to a consignment store on Capital Hwy.  I'm going to fill out an app at Express on
Divison, too.  I'm busy every day, Marge the landlord says I'm never home, but she
loves getting the rent every month on time.
 
So...  I think I'm heading South, Friday or Saturday.                 ...Bill
 
 

Bill and Lisa.  "That's my ex-husband's name."  The two talk a few
minutes as Bill intends to exit Lisa's bus, they have arrived at PCC.
60
They chat about driving, she's been doing it 8 weeks, he did it 30
years ago.
It's hot in Redding in June.  Bill didn't arrive in Portland until 24 June.
"The better expression is an auditor allows a person to discover, not,
Scientology teaches.", Laurie explains on the phone.  Bill wakes her
up, Monday morning.
Content.  I find it hard to be content.  A couple sit close on the 20
bus early in the morning, his left hand on her right knee, she's in jeans.
Her left hand is on his hand resting happily.  Her eyes are closed.  Her
head is level and her facial expression is deep contentment.
I worry about falling asleep.  And waking too soon.  I fret that I am unable
to make DLOAD work, that I cannot get certain parts of the code right and
I am frustrated, because I was extremely successful with C++ and Lisp,
especially Lisp, a very easy language to implement.  They both write
strings of text to files effortlessly.  I am very sad and upset I cannot get
a grip, even a partial one on Javascript.  I was able handily to do "class"
code in C++, but cannot understand the order and scheme and protocol of dot
notation in Javascript, the dot notation in C++ is short, one or two
extra references.  Lisp is so easy, everything being a list and even strings
are easy to parse and manipulate and do all kinds of things with.
Taunya wanted me very much to get my finger(s) in her vagina.  I did, but once
I fumbled and wasn't able to find the opening for a moment or two and
I felt this terror that I was incompetent, why can I not do this simple
thing, don't I know how to do it, am I such a simpleton, a prude,
 such a dunce?  Will she think less of me, because I cannot do the
 more skilled, the pleasurable, the more expert things?  Will I be
 compared to her other paramours?

Ron Hubbard in "Self-analysis" says looking at past moments and events is
important.  To examine them to completely realize the moment and sensations
of the experience to expose it, to render it safe and harmless, so I needn't
let it influence adversely the future and present.  Actions that are cogent,
the here and now.
 

5:22, the 20 is scheduled to arrive.  Bill begins a Tuesday in Portland.
Top of the to-do list, pay rent.  Justin called, wants to talk, Mike told
59
him I am in trouble, talk of suicide.  Bill wants to call Laurie, just to
talk, but won't.  He will spend a few hours in the computer lab.  He will
fill out an app at Labor/Works to earn money.
He'll watch "My Darling Clementine" in the afternoon.  He starts the day
with an apple fritter and coffee.  He borrowed money at Cash 'N' Go in
Vancouver, yesterday.  He's going to talk to Harry at Eleven and find out
what the Doctor said about his limitations to learning at school.  He's
going to pick up some money at the bank.  He's going to create Web Pages
for the missing homework.  If he doesn't get a "C" in class he won't get the 4 unit credit.
 
 

Devorah was Bill's best therapist.  She gave him the
courage to see Lydia's problems as an impediment to
58
his happiness and convinced him a life apart is
preferable.  See Search for Devorah Fox.
Bill decides to go South, after all, visit his Mother, Brother
and Sons.  Greyhound or hitch-hike, and use the $109- for food and
lodging.  Only it may take 2 days, instead of one.  Then on to
El Paso, before returning home.
He's having trouble in class understanding dot notation and certain
methods in Javascript.  Once he does, he'll have it all whipped.
Oh, and FTP to download or is it document.write("").  November's
not been particularly good, spent too much in the beginning.  December
Bill will stick to the budget, come what may.  He has learned an immense
in the Web scripting class.  CSS makes every difference in Page layout.
Come Wednesday Bill plans a steak dinner at Lucky Devil and 2 movies,
Transformers 3 and Australia.  And then there is Taunya.  Bill can blow
Mike's Web page he spent money for out of the water with his version.
if he would let him.
 
 

Bill looks forward to the coffee and pastry at the Senior Center on
Capital Hwy.  Old folks congregate and treat each other nicely, chatting,
57
mostly.  Bill reads the Oregonian, too.  He takes a break from the lab, there,
it's only minutes away.  That way he misses the Mission breakfast.  He's
still upset over the Beverly matter.
Every day Bill works diligently on "dload", a program to offer download
of his 200 lisp routines.  He hasn't succeeded in making it work.  Except
once it worked in C++, but Bill lost the code and it worked, because he had
C++ on his machine.  It downloaded one routine at a time, not like the
latest version.  It uses a form in HTML to get the program's the user wishes.
 Currently he's studying the method Javascript accesses the series
of Control Elements in the form, Checkboxes.  He wonders if he'll
need an Array and whether to use "while" or "for next".  Dload
 requires from the form, the name, which corresponds to the routine and the
 value, which is "checked" or "unchecked".  Bill wrote the program in Lisp and
C++, too for comparison and a means to understand the mechanics.
See 
http://geocities.com/btlsp2000/dloadjs.html

and 
http://geocities.com/btlsp2000/dload.html,
which is the Lisp link in the home page.

 

WHAT BILL HAS GOING FOR HIM  Bill sums up what he has on his mind.

Family:   Bill has a family, Brothers, Mother, Sons.
   Update: incommunicado
Room:   Bill has a nice room in the soul of Portland, finally.  He may stay.
   Update: 6 month studio lease, 12th and Clay
SSA:   Bill gets a monthly stipend or he would surely be homeless and starve.
   Update: continues
Doctor:   Bill has a good doctor, she knows him and wants to help him.
   Update: new, Dr Kim
Andre:   Therapist, a person to spill the beans.
   Update: new, Anna Anderson
Back:   Bill's back hurts now one year, better, but still hurts.
   Update: still a problem
Talia:   Bill's favorite stripper, she smells great.  "Not like a stinky
stripper.", she says.  And she's into Bill, too.
   Update: somewhat supplanted by Ananda and the girls at Magic Gardens
Camera:   Bill has had his digital a while now and appreciates what it
does for him
   Update: broke, not yet replaced
Boston:   Linda lives in Pembroke and Bill fears the worst, she hasn't
written.
   Update: no communication, now friendly with Julie of MeetUp
Duffy:   Bill has found Duffy.
   Update: replaced by Regina Spektor
Porn:   Oh he wishes it would go away, but he's still drawn.  What the heck,
yeah the lady in flesh and blood is ideal.  Meanwhile...
   Update: waining, due to meds, lost interest
Calendar:   Bill creates his own monthly calendars and picks nice pin-ups
for them.
   Update: stopped
License:   This IS a problem.  None for a year, since the Reno fuzz took his
plates in the snow on Virginia headed to Carson City.
   Update: still a problem
Jehovah's Witnesses:   Another problem.  Bill's been associated 50 long
years and can't get away.
   Update: still a problem
Church:   Bill's tried.  He can't quite defect to another Faith.  The other
indoctrination is purnicious.  However he doesn't miss the meals at the
Mission and St Francis.
   Update: dead in the water
Laptop:   Bill gets an Ace-r, next Wednesday, putting back online.
   Update: purchased with loan and going strong
Jacket:   He's got replace his warm jacket and soon.
   Update: stolen, need, another
MAX:   Bill uses the MAX and bus and streetcar.
   Update: continues and new Green Line to Clackamas
School:   Web Scriptting, Haleluhah.
   Update: still paying for, prevents continuing
Alaska:   Every day Bill thinks about May, when he plans to go to Alaska!
   Update: missed, still hopeful
Sleeping bag:   He's got another one and it's rated at 20.
   Update: stolen, must get another
Web Page:   It's getting better.
   Update: now at Lycos/Tripod
Hookers:   Bill will always remember Hanna, sweet, beautiful, giving Hanna.
   Update: stopped
Exhibitionism:   Bill doesn't participate as much as he used to, it was
a frequent outlet.
   Update: stopped
Movies:   Bill loves the movies.
   Update: still love them
Mail:   An address where the mail goes.
   Update: receiving at Hamilton West and 3338 and 627
Phone:   A cell phone!  He talks to his son everyday and needn't worry on
his upcoming trips, should he get stuck somewhere.
   Update: going strong, not talking to Family
Resume:   It's at Resume
   Update: new
Job:   Someday, again
   Update: still jobless, hurts
 
 

SET ADRIFT  "I'm sure God would approve.", says Candy to Bill.
Bill's trying to justify his strip club habit, since moving to Portland
55
and tells her his brother had a fit.  "Why can't the religious do it?",
she insists.  Bill is mezmerized by Candy.  She listens and their banter
flows effortlessly.  It's slow in the early afternoon and the customary
barmaid is out sick, the only real reason Bill goes to Lucky Devil
Lounge on Powel Wednesday and Sunday at noon.  He sits at the bar, mostly,
except when June is there.  The strippers give themselves names like
June and Star and Mercedes and Candy.

How does the programmer talk to the computer?  By way of specially designed
code using the ASCII set of 256 characters.  The code is assembled into a
series of instructions and is a "string", a continuous set the computer
parses and interprets.  Parsing is parse: verb, parsed, parsing;nverb (used with object)
Computers: to analyze (a string of characters)
in order to associate groups of characters with the syntactic units of the
underlying grammar.  There are dozens of languages.  The one that compliments
the Internet is Javascript and interacts with HTML(Hyper Text Mark-up Text).

Bill is getting into a routine, not the one to which he is accustomed, chaos.
Life is becomming less frentic, requiring immediate problem solving or not
survive.  He sleeps in the same bed every night.  goes to the same places
every day, of which he's becoming increasingly accustomed and finds more
easily.  Life is good.

Mike, Bill's brother walks into his room and catches Bill perusing a Playboy
magazine.  Bill is 16.  Their relationship morphs.  No longer is Bill, just
the big brother, but traitor and one to suspect.
Bill's parents, Betty and Dale always seem preoccupied with their lives,
that's ok, but it leaves Bill wondering about his place and leaves him to
figure it out alone.  One afternoon Bill and Brother, in the tub together
hear Mom scream at Dale and a slap, afterward she runs past the open
doorway down the hall.  "We are going to be fending for ourselves, soon.",
Bill proclaims to wide-eyed Mike.  It will be many years, before Bill knows
in any relationship, continuous accord is rare.  He feels fear, disallusionment,
alarm and abandonment and certain the future will tax his limited resources.

Lydia calls Nancy Dixon and she and their 3 sons walk out the RV and climb
into Nancy's car and leave and end a 22 year sojourn.  Bill looses his RV
space at All Seasons, desparate, heads to Victorville.  Social Security denies Bill
his 2008, March check, claims he owes $8000 and says they are square.
But Bill cannot pay March's rent and eat and he begins his adventure early, first
going to Trukee, then Portola and beyond.  Now he's in Portland, ecstatic and trying to recoup.
 

A TYPICAL DAY- September, 11, 2008
 
1 woke
2 sleep
3 woke
4 TV-CNN/Fox News
5 Dress
6 Pee
7 Prozac
8 gel hair/comb
9 leave
10 temp(cold)
11 return for t-shirt
12 bank-over draft
13 walk to mission for breakfast
14 early-kicked out
15 MAX to 7th(kill time)
16 mission-sit in chapel, watch channel 2
17 prayer
18 file in, 55+ first
19 good breakfast+coffee
20 MAX to Carls-apply work, Melanie gone 2 weeks
21 MAX to Paul and Teresa
22 Thinking about Talia and Hanna
23 $10 for monitor
24 book bag-tossed
25 MAX to Ft Vancouver library
26 Web
27 email
28 Linda
29 added "Hanna" to News
30 Comcast cancel, $7
31 Qwest phone change
32 MAX to Dancin' Bare
33 job-AutoCAD, send resume
34 chg at Paul Bunion
35 DB
36 Melissa
37 $3 PBR
38 Talia!!!
39 3 dances
40 SSA-no help, address chg, payee...
41 Beaverton library
42 email
43 Talia's assets
44 transit center/ID
45 room
46 Marge "TV out tomorrow"
47 Fox News/AMC
48 20 to St Francis
49 volunteer pass trays
50 eat X2
51 20 to room
52 TV
53 list for next day
54 shower
55 read new book
56 ibprophen
57 bed/sleep
 

The giezer leaves and Bill takes his stool, beside June.  "I'm
a Portland girl.", she says, averse to fake boobs.  And grabs hers
53
in her hands.  Bill brings up Stella.  "Every girl's is different, I
think that should be celebrated.", says June.  Bill agrees.
Bill stops at the reference desk at Beaverton Library.  He's talked to
Jill, before.  Jill looks up on the computer the book Bill's searching
for, "People of the Abyss", by Jack London.  "There are only excerpts
in a larger book on Jack London.", Jill says.  Bill checks it out.  In
the table of contents Bill spots "To Build a Fire".  Has he read the
short story before?  Or was it a chapter in "Surviving in the Woods"?
Bill opens to page 136 at a table in the Hotcake House in Portland on
Powel.  It's his first time reading it!
As he continues reading, he's reminded of the 10 degree night he spent
on the deck of the Activity Room in a Mammoth RV Park and Campground and
that morning his toes frost bit.  It was so cold and he so tired he 
failed to remove the wet wool socks before climbing into the sleeping bag.
He kept alternating the warm jacket over his chest and feet all night.
 
 

Salsa.  Bill is going to learn the Salsa.  Cathylyn pulls him off the street,
enroute home Saturday night.  It's the primere of her club, 
52
where
 she teaches dance.  She gives Bill a free 20 minute lesson.  "Put 
your hand on my back, where the bra strap would be, if I wasn't wearing
 this strapless dress.  Now push your left palm into my right and take a step
 with your left foot, forward, put all your weight on the foot.  Your
 partner follows all your every lead."  Cathylyn seduces
 Bill into her shop with the $2 Happy Hour Heinikin.  She introduces two other novices,
 who walk in.  On leaving, Bill thanks her and she lets him know he
 did a good job.
That same night, earlier Bill stopped at McDonalds on his way to scope a new
 club, Casa Diablo in St Helens.  He passes Willamette Printing and
 Blueprint and wonders what it would be like to work there.  He takes off his
 shoes and drinks his Coke.  "Get quenched.", says the cup's exterior.
On his way to the 17, Bill is approached by a girl, who asks for change, a
 common occurance on Portland streets.  Another prospect walks by and she asks
him, too.  He gives her his cigarette, instead and she tells Bill she
looked at his lips, "I don't want to get Herpes."  Little did Bill know
he would take Alder home Saturday night.
Sunday: "Tomorrow we will have showers, between 1:30 and 3:30.", Bill and his
 compadres in the St Francis dining hall get the news in the
 announcements before prayer and dinner.
 
         "Here in the trees it was much easier to believe the absurdities
         that embarrassed me indoors.  Nothing had changed in this forest
         for a thousand years, and all the myths and legends of a hundred
         different lands seemed much more likely in this green haze than
         they had in my clear-cut bedroom", Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer,
         Page 137, paragraph 2.
 

You're welcome.What is "JW's speil"? Oh, Jehovah's Witness. Got it.Yes, the 
Dianetics book has some extremely interesting data.As for the 
51
strippers,
 sex can be a trap and what you really want is , as you say,
 human contact and communication. Sex is not evil. The pleasure of sex is what 
drives all species toward their own survival.The Dianetics book has much
 to say about pleasure and pain and their role in life. Laurie
 
 

Laurie, thx for listening.  I really don't know what's wrong with me, a favorite therapist
in the distant past said, nothing.  She told me to use my intelligence to 
50
conquer life's
road blocks and search my options always.  The little book:  shades of JW's spiel.  Looking
forward to the other, though.  Strippers are hot and they talk to you and one knows how
to use her legs on my arms.  I'm afraid I'm a sucker for human contact, the more the better.
 
See http://geocities.com/btlsp2000/news.html for the on-going saga of my evil ways.
 
I plan to try, as an experiment(I like experimenting), the PSU church group, Sunday.  Talked
with an informed Biology major on the bus who attends.  I asked him who is God.  The
creator he said, that's logical, who is he, really.  Anywho, it was a pleasure meeting, you
were pleasant.
 
Bill...
 
 

Bill helps the guy on the barstool next to him with a dollar for the
2 drink minimum.  Bill stumbles on the Mother Load, when he finds Portland.
49
"Are you having FUN?  That's important."  The Ukranian hugs Bill's cheeks
inside her breasts and pulls back ever so slowly and returns, wanting to
kiss his waiting lips and missing them by an inch.  She's been in the US
14 years.
"Why havent we met?"  "I don't visit often."  "Oh, I'm here Tuesdays."
 

Hey POTS, you make intelligent remarks in your missives on our former Faith.
See http://geocities.com/btlsp2000 for a look at my life and the 
48
Web
Site, as time passes on this evil orb spinning in the cosmos.  Haven't
been to a Kingdom Hall in 60 days and it feels better

every day.  Tempted to visit the Presbyterian Church in Portland, Sunday, but 
each time I approach, it is so grandiose, so ornate and the steeple the 
goes straight up a hundred feet topped with that perennial cross are 
frightening, like Satan waits inside.  I have been to 3 churches in the

last ten years.  I'm going to Hell, as sure as the days are long.  I'm into
music, now.  Particularly Missy Higgins, a new songstress from Down 
Under, she rocks.  I frequent 3 of the 50 strip clubs in Portland, my home 
5 months, now, including the oldest, Mary's.  Strippers are HOT!!!  And me,
I've always had a libido that won't quit.  And I played, or we played, 
Hanna and me, a charming hooker an hour in July and plan to see Taboo, 
soon, she has a friend, too.

 
Worship?  We were taught the worldlings worship their countless gods(lower 
case) of wood and stone.  The "Truth" is poetic, isn't it.  I like to read 
this EX site occasionally, my therapist, Andre suggested a search of anti-
JW sites.  Bookstudy, yeah we had several in our house when I was young
and one in our home, after I married, too.  Bill the young black conductor was 
rad, an ex-hippy.  I loved the study, of the Babylon book, a student of 
history, which is what the faithful feel the Holy Writ is.  Hymns, I sat
in the Mammoth Lakes Catholic church one Christmas for the music.  Awe,
i feel awe when I lie beside Hanna.  Shock when I constantly obsess on 
my lost Faith and beat myself.

 
 
...Bill

 

Bill saw "The Graduate", when he was 16 at the cinema in Belmont Shores,
on the way to his Father's.
Bill's deluded into thinking Lulu really likes him.  He deposits
a dollar bill at the edge of the stage, she must come to him and
47
pick it up at the end of each dance, bending over or squatting and
Bill catches a vision of her calm loveliness, despite the dim light.
She sits with him at a table on the wall through 4 dances by the
other performers.  "You have a way with your hands.", she starts at
the top of his arm and works her way to his hand.  "I bought the sleeping
bag.", "Your trip!"  She drops her drink and the ice cubes spray the
floor.  "She's pretty.", Bill shows her a picture he keeps in his
pocket of Talia.  "My ex has small boobs.", "You don't seem to mind.",
A reference to herself.  "These Things", she tells Bill the name of
the tune she plays.  Oh well, no private dance.  "I've got to go.", the
stripper finishes her third song.  "Want to join me for a last set?"
 
 

A fellow student's reply to query in a discussion page.
Note: html tag brackets ommited.
Subject: Re:what's wrong? Topic: Main 
Author:John McCullock Date: October 30, 2008 2:41 AM
 
You sure you don't want to put the td stuff inside the table stuff?

I'm not sure you can put a table cell outside the table.
alert('hello world') might need a ';' too.
and you might want to put the beginning html tag toward the beginning before the  tags.
you might also need a javascript date object to get that local string from:
script type='text/javascript'
var d = new Date();
document.write(d.toLocaleString());
/script
http://www.w3schools.com/jsref/jsref_toLocaleString.asp
Sorry. All this caffeine is making me really nit-picky.
John
 

Bill doesn't know where he is.  It's been 11 years, since paking
up the deck and getting onto the RV one morning and leaving
45
San Diego, after 15 years there.  Bill's learning a lot in the
Web design class he will use.  Bread crumbs was new.  And he's
finally getting a handle on colspan and rowspan.  He saw Dr Cozzens,
Monday and Andre, Tuesday.  He wants to borrow money and may have
found a lender on the Web.  He's paid the 3rd, but has pressing
expenses, like a payment to the City of Oregon municiple court
on the 30th.  He finally picked up an old wooden rocking chair for
the room, now he has a place to sit.  The notice of the fine for
riding the Max without a pass hasn't arrived.
Bill had a list ready for Andre.  He said, fixating on a stripper "does not a
relationship make", even if she hugs you every time.


Mom: "What will you do, if she dies?"
Sleep/Prozac
Beverly: We sit together at breakfast at the Mission.
No Hall/no church: You need a replacement activity or you WILL relapse.
My money: I am, finally in charge of my stipend, again and it feels
  so right.
License: I am prepared to sue GMAC.
Linda: A long-time friend in Pembroke, MA may have died, she had
  pneumonia, she stopped corresponding.
Stimulus: Paul called Justin, he has my IRS check.

I talked a lot in Monday's session and Andre said I did good.
 

SEVENTH GRADE "I know you're in there.", Barry scolds Bill, Bill's in
bed on the other side of the window.  "Get your butt out in 
44
service.",
Barry's on his way to the bookstudy at Jeanie's, in the back.  Bill's just 
waking up from his second nocturnal wet dream.  He doesn't understand the
feelings he's been experiencing lately or the white stuff coming from

his penis frequently.

Jeanie, the brown-hair girl next door has been friends with Bill, since

walking over to the Burin house to play in the water 2 years before in her

swim suit..  Now she asks Bill to kiss her in the garage in the dark.  Seventh
grade begins and Jeanie and Bill, in different home rooms, both
Jehovah's Witnesses with non-participating fathers are elected class
student body goverment representatives.  Bill with an overwhelming 
vote to beat out Allen Percy objected, because he won't lead the class in 
the flag salute. The teacher insists Allen will do that and Bill says ok.

Bill's sent his first and last love letter to cute Joann, who he sees playing
 carrems all the time at the park.  But before he gets a response,
the family moves to Hawthorne, 7 miles away.  In home room at Yukon
 Intermediate, Bill and Lorrie Hendix stare, interested at each other across the
room.  Lorrie's got a beau, the school jock, but she lets Bill carry her
books home.  She wants Bill to participate in the school elections, but
he knows he can't and she wants him to go to the dance, she's frustrated
 with Bill's strange character changes, when she proposes simple,
ordinary things.

The neighbor boy at the new apartments invites Bill to peek at his sister
 changing at night through the window, Bill feels uncomfortable.  But he
 satisfies himself in his bedroom with the door closed, other times.  Two months
on Kornblum and the family uproots, again and moves to Rialto on
 Wilson Street in a duplex in the back.  Rialto Junior High is Hell.  Bill can't
understand the math and forgets his combination all the time and his
schedule of classes, missing some.  Bill tells the Spanish teacher he
cannot recite the Pledge everyday and she says it's just learning
 Spanish, so it's ok.  Bill gets lunch money from his Mother everyday, but is
 afraid to get in the cafeteria line, because he doesn't no the process
 and he afraid to talk to the other students.  His body is
 undergoing dramatic changes.  In PE Bill cannot undress in front of

the other boys, so he plays games with the coaches to get out of it.

The felled eucalyptus trees in the field by the tracks becomes Bill's
 playground, where he strips every night late and cavorts.  At age 46 the
 therapist tells him it is evidence of early molestation, but Bill cannot

remember anything, but his Grandmother bathing him and his brother in the

kitchen sink.

Julliette is the girl in Mrs Reynold's English class at the end of the day.

She and Bill join Mrs Reynolds, after school for extra help, where Bill falls in
 love with diagramming sentences and Julliette.  They play footsy under
the table at parties in the other classroom.

Bill gets mumps that year.  His Mother puts him in a cold bath, when his

temperature reaches 107 and he cannot stop the shaking.  Bill and family move
 to Redlands, where Bill starts Eighth Grade.

 
 

Probably campgrounds, but maybe hostel in Anchorage.  Going to fly.  Unless I
can get a passport.  I worked a 40 hour week in May and June.  Freelance 
43

would be ideal, you know me well Dawna.  Mike was an elder, he was in 
Bethel 2 years when he was 19.  Wesley has bi-polar too badly.  All his 
life.  He's smart and artistic.  I remember the 100 mile an hour winds in 
Lake Crowley, the boss assured me the RV would be ok, he was right.  Going 
to Seattle Wednesday and getting a laptop.  The old computer I sold was 11 
years old.  I've had back pain for a year, no one knows what it is.  I get
physical therapy and pain killer and manage.

I sold my truck, see picture, this year.  I stayed with Mom a month after she had a 
stroke in '01.  She broke a finger coming out of the hall in Colton.  I 
asked for leave from work and and hour later they laid 25 of us off.  She 
was like a child that month.  They hired me back a year later, after I 
worked in Vegas and Adelanto.  Mom can get around slowly with a walker, 
except for her right arm and she gets depressed easily.  She has a hard 
time getting to the hall.  

I sold the RV in '03 to keep the Toyota pickup I had, sleeping in the back a 
lot, between jobs, getting by without meds.  But that year in July, I was 
at Mom's and started babbling in the chair working on a math problem and 
Mom called the paramedics.  I spent 72 hours in the hospital in Redlands 
and started meds again and got back on Social Security.  Been on since.  Four 
years in one place and I wasn't getting out of the chair all day, until a 
new doctor started me on Lamictal.  I woke up and left Fallon and been 
happy, since.  On Prozac now.  I wandered around Northern California, GMAC 
told the DMV in Nevada I hadn't paid a premium for a year when I changed 
insurance, but I had and my license has been suspended.  The truck was impounded in 
Portola, paid $500 to get it out and got stopped near Portland for no 
plate and have to pay a $300 fine.


Look forward to seeing you guys in May.                      ...Bill

 
 

School starts, tonight.  Web Design.  Physical therapy starts, today.  Paul and
Bill ended it.  Bill's happy with his room.  Bill's in love with Talia.  The
42
other girls are nice, too, especially the pool player, Bill has to get her
name.  And he has to see the dark-haired girl, again.  He has voice mail.  He's
patiently waiting for the 3rd of October, payday, $1332.  He will get a laptop,
pay rent, buy the TV and more.  He has to locate the stimulus, he's been
moving, too much.  He doesn't care to contact his family.  He updates "News" and
adds a picture.  He's got his camera, today.  He intends to hitch-hike to Seattle, 
soon.  There and back in a day.  He remembers Hanna.  Room 45, 
Monte Villa Motel.  With the laptop he's going to get Matt's models.  He 
needs a haircut.  He looked at a Portland Towers studio, very nice, for 
$770/month.  But he saves money living at the Stewart.  He hopes to get his 
own money.  He plans a trip to Alaska, Summer, next year.

 

Hope you are fine.  Samantha(Sam) started physical therapy today to help my
back.  It needs strengthening and balancing.  I'm going to get better!
41

I'm so glad I came to Portland!  Class started last night, it's going to
be just what I was looking for.  Assumed: I know HTML(can produce a Web 
page/site).  Going to learn how to program applications in Java Script. 
Everyone in the class is at my level or better.

 
Paul is history, thank the stars.  I think the family may generally be a waste
of time, they don't communicate and when we do, it hurts.  On the 
streetcar going home and to dinner at St Francis, where I usually get 
seconds.  Had to go without, last night to get to the class.

Bill has found a home in Portland.  It was difficult at first.
He slept in the truck 2 weeks and a motel a week in Tigard.
40
Then at the convention he met Paul and a friendship developed,
but it was not to last.  He found sex again.  He rented an
apartment and finaly settled in a room downtown.  He has a
good doctor and restarted therapy.  And his back is improving.
Bill's beginning to be happy again.  He expects to visit Dawna
and Rod in May in Alaska.  He sold his truck though.  Linda's
heart continues to trouble her, he may not see her before she
succumbs to the inevitability of man.  Bill's managed to stay,
despite his Mother's apparent worsening condition.
Bill plans a trip to Seattle soon and to Mt Hood.  He goes to
the labrary in Vanvouver, Washington.  He almost got another
drafting job.  He's buying a $20 TV.  He's starting a Web
design class at Portland Community College.  He's seen the
Columbia River.
Bill's always enjoyed girls and sex.  Since arriving in his new home,
Portland he's frequented 3 strip clubs, which is what Portland is known for.
First Mary's.  Then Dancin' Bare and Union Jack's.  But sex has taken
a new turn.  Friday Bill had sex with a beautiful hooker girl named
Hanna.  Only the second woman Bill's been with.

 
 
 

Hi, Debra.  You have my first love's name, she dumped me when we were 22.  New
 to Portland. I spent 6 years in Nevada in the desert and wanted to try 
39

something different.  Thought about following the good weather, North in 
the summer, South in the winter.  I must get more out of life.  I'm 56 and 
been on my own 11 long years, some of them good years, some not so.  Met 3
 nice ladies along the way but the experiences didn't go very far.  Fell 
in love with one, but she was 13 years younger and loved just playing 
house, me and the 3 kids, going to ball games and every other domestic 
thing.  One day I ran to the highway and hitch hiked North and I've been 
on the run, since, more or less.  I have 3 good boys, one is learning 
plumbing, one cleans pools in San Diego.  I like just about everything. 
 Wanted to climb Mt Whitney, but I think it's to late.  Would like to 
learn to surf, might not be too late.  Like to travel.  I have a friend I 
correspond with in Boston, like to see her.  She was a nurse.  She had a 
heart attack and just got out of the hospital again.  I like Portland, 
renting an apartment.  Learning all the Portland ways and using the Max.  
Going to get a bicycle.            ...Bill

 

Hi, Yvette.
 
So does it come through, the depression?  The Doctor has me on some good stuff.  I've been 
especially spunky since the break, 8 years ago.  Looking for new avenues 
38

to explore and taking risks, when necessary.  I wanted to teach.  High 
school or college, I have a good background in, and love of Math.  Kids, 
yes, 3 boys, grown.  Good kids, the oldest, 30 has a touch of what I 
have, but he's strong and very artistic.  No girls, and I have 
3 brothers.  One worked for the Port Authority in Long Beach, CA, and is 
retiring at 55.  He married a girl with 3 kids, they have a nice house 
near the beach, and 3 dogs.  He's a dancer, and my youngest, too, Mike's
wife is not.
 
I'm much better looking than the picture.  The friend who put me up in his 
loft a couple weeks, I ran into, here in Portland.  He and his wife and 
grandson like to camp at the Gorge.  I worked 2 months in June, in Redding,
 but it was a little much. I'm looking again, SSD takes
 money out when I make over $800.  I like working and the money is, 
always good, keeps me more independent.  I'd like to get a 
cheaper running truck, I had a Toyota(20 miles to the gallon), my Ford is a 
little more costly, but I still like it, it runs super, 4 years now.  
Where do you dance?  Been to the Coast, lately?  It's nice 
you and the Ex get along.  I never see her, my son's wedding, she ignored 
me like the plague.  My boys and I get along great.  Hope to have that 
coffee, some day.

 
...Bill

 
 

Hi Bill, so are you still a tad depressed? That comes thru a bit in your 
email. It's a struggle, isn't it? Are you working now? So finding a dance 
37

venue may be just what the doctor ordered? Any place I've been- 
there are always way more women than men. 

That's spunky of you to pull up stakes and move to Portland. Did you know 
anyone here? Friends here? 

My daughter is studying early elementary education- her degree will be in K-
5th grade. She hopes to start grad school as soon as she graduates. Her 
dad and I will pay for undergrad, grad school is on her. She's been 
working and saving.

Do you have kids? Details?

So more about you? Do you have a photo? Y. 

 

Yvette, I'm liberal, I guess, 'another 4
years' was a bummer. When I'm working I do
36
AutoCAD, computer generated design of everything from nuts
to bolts. Worked for Hughes Aircraft once. San Diego has
some nice beaches and great weather. Yeah, I may have to
get used to the rain, pretty dry in the desert. I had
trouble with depression a while back but I'm dealing
with it. Life has a lot of rewards you have to look hard to
get a hold of. And friends help and always having something
to do. I like coffee and breakfast at home-style cafes and
old movies. I also enjoy the outdoors, hiking and camping,
always wanted to climb Mt Whitney. It may have escaped me. 
I had a great job in Mammoth, CA doing civil drawing for the
town, lived in the RV park 14 miles South of town next to a
beautiful mountain lake. Lived and worked in Reno and
Carson City.
What is your daughter studying? I have a friend who
I've never seen(we email) who was a nurse, she lives in
Boston. Stayed with a friend until I rented the apartment
I'm in. My brother plays clarinet and Mom played the
piano. I listen to music. Are you a native Oregonian?
...Bill
 

So how do you like Portland? I lived in Reno as a kid but
love the climate here. Rain schraim- it doesn't bother
35
us too much. What kind of work do you do?
I have two kids- one will be a senior at Univ of Oregon,
she's going to be teacher and my son is a senior in high
school- he's been looking at colleges this summer w/ his
dad. Both are great kids and very accomplished musicians. I
have a lot of fun with them.
I'm an RN- run a travel medicine clinic- we see people
traveling all over the world for vaccines and malaria
medication.
 
ONE MORE THING: I am a pretty strong Democrat- I met a
dance partner last week and I have one word: republican.
Wow. Even as a dance partner, it was too much to the right.
That was a deal breaker so I'm upfront about even this
detail.
What else can you tell me about yourself? Y.--- On Sun,
 

Beautiful photo. I just rented an apartment in N
Portland, near Interstate and Rosa Parks. I've been in
34
Nevada 6 years in the desert and wanted to try something
different. Been divorced, 3 boys, grown. I'm 6'2
and 56. I thought I could dance as a teenager, but life
changed. I finished high school in California and did some
college. I had a little trouble understanding the world,
but I'm better now. One son is an apprentise plumber,
used to serve at IHOP in San Diego. The other cleans pools
and does well. i wanted to get away after the split, so
went North. Met a couple nice girls, but it didn't go
anywhere. Like to play tennis and bike. There's more. 
...Bill 
 

Hi Bill, there are limts to Craigslist. What can you tell
me about yourself? What part of Portland are you in? And
33
there is always a near-by Starbucks for a meeting- a good,
secure feeling. Do you have a photo? Here's mine. Y.
 

My hotmail's not working at home to send, but I could
move your message to the inbox and had to wait till today to
32
write. Always wanted to dance. What Starbucks do we meet
at? New to Portland. From Northern California. 
...Bill
 

So here's the thing- I'm looking for a non-smoking
dance partner- someone who can go out on the weekend and an
31
occasional weeknight. I'm thinking we'd take lessons
perhaps at Bushwackers, Jubitz or even a class at PCC and
then practice what we've learned. Not necessarily
looking to date but if it turns into that, I'm open.
Let's see... I want to learn a dance called Horseshoe
and a dance called Schottische. And so many others! Taking a
class alone is fine but I want to meet someone who wants to
practice; to meet to dance after the class. About me: 53,
5'4, few extra pounds, dark hair, attractive, educated
professional, and Democrat. Non-smoker, of course, and
won't life be better after Jan 1st when most of Oregon
is non-smoking? I'm nearing an emtpy nest at home and
loving having time to myself. Someone in a similiar place in
life preferred. I'm quite active and anxious to dance!
Write and let's plan to meet for coffee to see if
we'd be good compatible dance partners. Pic for pic
before we meet if that's important. 
 
 

hey lonesome...
Hi.  Can't open your picture for some reason.  At the Beaverton library.  Getting set up at home.
30
My son  started his career in plumbing.  He wanted to be a paramedic earlier.  He was a server at
IHOP in San Diego where he made good tips.  Another son cleans pools in San Diego.  After the split
I just wanted to go North, landed in Victorville in my RV.  Met the neighbor and spent 6 months
playing house, that's it, with Ruthann and her kids.  One day I lighted out leaving the RV behind and
landed in Bishop where I got a job in Mammoth drawing in AutoCAD which I am trained for.  Loved it
there, but moved on to Carson City, Reno and Fallon.
 
Spent some time in N California before coming here.  Like it here.  Did think of going to San Francisco.
Old 'Girl friend' lives in Ft Bragg, but decided North was good again, almost went to Seattle, never been.
Retired nurse friend lives in Pembroke below Boston, we correspond.  A brother loves Yosemite,
vacations all the time.  Texas, well I had thought to go N and S according to the weather and one
destination would be El Paso, had an uncle who lived in Shreveport and worked for a company with
headquarters in Beaumont and just about relocated with them when I was just 30, but didn't.  Changed
jobs and worked on automated tube benders, designing them and showing the guys in the shop
how to build them.  Spent a month in Henderson and Bolder City with a job I got through Monster,
NV Power drawing electric transmission lines.
 
I just rented an apartment in N Portland, been with friends, a month, they live acoss the street, but
looking into rooms, cheaper and smaller, I got used to my RV and the back of the truck and the
outdoors I'm afraid.  Grew up in LA below the landing path to LAX.  Went to college some in San Diego.
The 'North' county and worked for the assessor downtown.  That was a sweet job right on the harbor
in the old County Building built for the 1904 worlds fair.
Want to see New York.
 
...Bill
 

Hi Bill,What part of Nevada?  Been to Vegas, not a gambler (ex was) so it
didn't hold any appeal.How long have you been in Portland?  I would love to
29
take an RV and travel around thisgreat country and see where I land.  Why
Texas?  Been there...not too impressed.Talk about racist!  I have never heard
such talk in my life as I did there.  I guessI just associate the place with
the experience.  Made my first visit to New Yorka few years ago.  I absolutely
loved it!!  Such an exciting place...to visit.  Couldhave spent a few more days
just visiting museums and galleries. I have a son in Tigard, he's an
accountant.  My daughter is in Frisco with herboyfriend scouting colleges and
camping in Yosemite.  They promised to be backin time for 'Phantom' tomorrow
night.  Tell me more about you.Linda
 

I'm sure you are not racist.  One of my
sons suggested I get a hand gun, while I  was sleeping in the truck a while
28
back.  But I didn'e get one. Divorced 10 years.  Looking to connect again. 
Been in Nevada most of the ten  years.  Wanted to move on and try Portland and
Oregon. stopped in Medford.  I like country and the classics.  Like Niel
Diamond and  once hiked.  Like to bike.  Like a beer or other occasionally.
Want to travel more.  See Texas actually.  3 sons, grown, one married to a
nice  girl but I don't see them much, San Diego.  Love the feeling of a dark
theatre and a good movie.  Or one at home on a DVD.  Oh and don't smoke,
father did.  Love to hear from you.    ...Bill
 

Hi Bill, My name is Linda.  I'm
feeling a little remorseful about my post  this morning.  From the feedback
27
I've gotten so far; I have hurt some feelings.   One guy called me racist.
OUCH!  About seven have asked to meet.  I just issued  a blanket apology
posting.  I am really a very nice lady...nice but frustrated.  Where are you
from Bill?  I live in Vancouver about 10 minutes from the airport,  and work in
Lake Oswego.  I'm 2 1/2 years out of a 30 year marriage.  2 grown  kids.  I
like to workout, and will be where I want soon.  I enjoy the symphony  (season
ticket holder).  I also love country music, Neil Diamond, Daughtry,  Jason
Mraz.  Love movies but consistently can't tolerate 'stupid'.   I love live
performances and am seeing 'Phantom' tomorrow.  I like to learn new things and
am open to adventure.  My daughters boyfriend is going to teach me to shoot
guns!!   Love traveling and going on walks.  Thinking about taking up hiking.
Don't smoke but drink lightly.  Always honest and expect the same from
others.   No drama just enjoy being happy. If anything clicks with you...write
back.
 
 

26
Linda Love to meet.  56 and ready to start new, divorced a while.  New to
Portland, > learning the ropes.  CL's come up empty so far.    ...Bill
 
 

Found the picture on the Internet.  Things going well.  Becky dropped me as 
payee.  Paul is going to take the reign a month so I can get August check 
25

in a week.  Doctor is going to give go-ahead for me to get the money 
direct, after she gets record from Doctor in Reno.   Boy what a chore, been
 treated as baby, too long.

How are you?  Felt suicidal the other day, got through it after 30 minutes of 
Hell.  Just too much happening, a lot of it bad.  At the beautiful Portland 
Central library.  Mike and Justin did a Home Depot tennis tournament 
Saturday.  Must have been nice.  But no more John Mac Enroe or Jimmy 
Connors or Bjorn Borg and the like.

Doctor has me on Prozac.  I think it's working, not quite so frazzled.  Girl 
waiting with me for computer recommended the place she works, wrote the 
address down for me with a note: "God is looking out for you! :)"  She is 
just up from LA and says no one knows what the future holds.

Mother is really feeling her 79 years.  She nearly asked me to go down.  Truck
 is for sale, $1200 on craigslist.  That will get me into a room 
here.  And replace some of the clothes that were stolen.  Saw "Mamma Mia", 
fun musical if you like Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnon.  They both sing. 
 Actually I saw it twice.  Got new soles and heels on my boots and bought 
tennis shoes.

May move on to Klamath Falls, cheaper to exist.  May not rain as much.  Don't 
know, actually I think it is below the Cascades so it may be susceptible to 
the rain storms.  Greyhound to San Bernardino, $150, Boston, $212.  Go 
figure.  And El paso, $136.  I will miss the cooking at the Plews.  And 
their bottomless hospitality.  Teresa says, "Don't forget us!"

Well, bye for now, Linda, love, Bill...

 
 

Hi Linda.  Love and hugs.  I checked out of the motel this morning.  I am in 
the beautiful downtown Portland library.  Sorry you're housebound.  I 
24

should get July's check tomorrow or Thursday.  I have a new doctor today at 
OSHU(Oregon Science and Health Unniversity).  She seems very good, Dr 
Couisins.  She put me back on Paxil.  She is on the ninth floor, so I took 
2 nice pictures of downtown.  I had to drop the Web design class because I 
can't afford the new computer to run the software.  Got the book though 
and learned a few things.  I would love to go to Boston and see you, but I 
don't have a clue right now what I am doing or where I will be.
 
The convention was ok, a lot of beautiful people.  Saturday I was too uneasy 
to go.  Most religions, I know you know, teach Jesus is God.  Jehovah's 
Witnesses say he is the resurrected Christ, son of God who the Jews looked 
for to appear in the first century.  They also teach he has come again, is 
King in Heaven and will make Earth a Paradise, shortly, after ending the 
lives of billions.  Quite an outlook isn't it.  I can comprehend the end 
of the troubles on earth, wars, sickness, death, poverty..., but now and by 
Heavenly means, well...
 
Tonight I sleep in the truck or, maybe call YMCA and see if they have a room.  
That would be nice, even though the nights have been beautiful in 
Portland.  I still hope to get the room at $325 a month, I am on the 
waiting list and it is only 4 people long.  And there are 2 rooms.  I am 
feeling a strong urge to stay here in Portland, one I have never felt 
before.  Everywhere there are green pine trees and no one is nasty, rude
 or disagreeable.  I could get used to that.  And the 
transit system is very good.
 
There are 2 sections on the 2nd floor with computers, I am in the periodical 
room, it is pink.  There is a Safeway right in the middle of downtown.  It 
rained and thundered the other night drenching the things in the back of 
the truck.  I hope the mattress is dry for tonight.  I found a theatre 
showing old movies.  I have seen one cop car since I have been here.  
Well, signing off for tonight, Bill...

 
 

I found a really cool dragon for the Front Page of my Web Site.
 http://geocities.com/btlsp2000/  We are getting started in school, some day
soon I
23
will be a real Web Page Designer!
 
 
If June's money is not in the bank tonight I'll have to delay the San 
 Francisco trip to next week.  I am thinking of getting an apartment in

Anderson, 15 minutes South, instead of buying the RV and doing trips in the
truck weekends, like Seattle, Boise and Helena.
 
 
Off to the Mission tonight for some good food, Linda.  Get better soon...
 

Doing fine, Linda.  Well a little anxious.  At work.  I am so smart, no, no 
kidding.  I want to keep it low key.  I find it hard to keep up with my 
22

brain.  Glad you got through the infection.  Becky is delinquent again. 
 Someone woke me at 3 this morning syphoning the gas from tank 2.  I asked
 him if I could help him, he said he would just leave.  He did. 
 Won't park there again.  School started.

 

Hi, Linda.  I got an advance on my first paycheck.  Going to spend tonight in 
a motel.  I've decided to buy the RV.  June 7 in Weaverville.  Had a good 
sleep in the truck last night.  May not have to visit the Mission 
21
again.  Do you know where Lake Placid is?  The movie was uproarious.  Did 
you see it?  The lake reminds me of lakes here.  Mike's stomach was upset
 Friday morning, so I spent the time at work alone.  He gave me the
 tower to check.  Reminds me of what Beanie, my former boss said to me
 once, you never know a subject thoroughly, you approach that 
knowledge.  I enjoyed my 10th Grade Botany class.  But I never indulge it.
 Why?  It could bring me untold pleasure.
You may be en route home 
right now.  Will there be ar a lot of traffic?  Traffic is relatively 
light here.  Does Boston have a Mall?  Redding does but it doesn't really 
amount to much.  Where do you go to see a movie?  What is the theatre 
like?  Have you been to the Empire State Building?  Remember in Spellbound 
with Ingrid Bergman and Gregory Peck, they meet there, he's checked into a
 room, he has no idea who he is and the real murderer is Leo G Carol, the 
jealous Psychiatrist.  Well, off to get a room.

Thank you Linda for the encouragement, I need it.  I better run the spell 
check next time, I noticed a couple miss-spellings.  I walked into the 
20

library, after lunch at the Mission and noticed a movie was slated to play 
at 1:00.  "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World".  What a treat.  And 
cookies and lemonade.  Spencer Tracy, Jonathan Winters, Sid Caesar, 
Don Knotts, Mickey Rooney, Milton Beryle, Buddy Hackett, Ethel Merman, 
Phil Silvers, Terry-Thomas, Jim Backus, Joe E Brown, Andy Devine, Peter 
Falk, Buster Keaton and Jimmy Durante.  My Dad and I used to watch TV 
together a lot, to my sometimes Mother's chagrin.

 
One night last week, I was in the truck bed lightly sleeping when I was fully 
awakened by someone reaching into the open driver side window.  A girl was
 at his side.  I said HELLO and the boy withdrew with my suit coat and
 hanger and disappeared.  It scared me.  It was a place near the 
Mission.  I won't park there again.  And one night a loud crowd in a car 
threw an empty soda can in the back where I lay as they drove by.  90% of 
my nights are ok.  There's always a crowd at the Mission meals.  It's a 
pity something can't be done.  They are for the most part forlorn.

 
There is a mission to Mars, the North Pole scheduled to land, tomorrow, 
Sunday.  What an adventure.  Lockheed Martin.  I worked 2 months for the
 company.  A hire.  Security clearance and everything.  Then the 
schizophrenia prevented me from continuing and succeeding.  My grandmother
 knew someone working there, a fellow church member.  He helped
 me get the job.  I felt badly.  He was designing a pottery work 
stand to market.  He had me doing the drawing.  And the company is 
primarily a defense contractor.  And I bunked at my grandparent's house 
and used the second car to get to the plant.  But boy the work was 
thrilling.  Drawing aircraft work platforms which were fabricated in a big 
old train maintenance building, 20 miles away in San Bernardino.  I 
married Lydia and felt badly because I was committed and not committed to 
the organization of Kingdom proclaimers.  Johanna and Leendert, my 
grandparents would have loved to have me attend their church and marry 
someone in the congregation.  But it was impossible for me to 
contemplate.  About a year after we married Lydia and I spent 
approximately 6 years in Brea, California avoiding meetings for some 
reason.  She and I both were of the disposition.  I returned to drafting 
and we had moved from our parent's neighborhood.

 
Another doctor has me taking Celabrex for my back.  She says take them at 
night and in 2 weeks I should notice something.  It rained in Redding last 
night pretty good.  I slept in the cab since my tent is gone and I don't 
have a tarp to keep the water off, while I sleep underneath.  It 
cleared, things should dry out.  I have no money again so I'm going to 
wash clothes in the river and walk places I have to get to.  I should be 
able to save ahead this month.  So how far from home is your sister-in-laws?

"On board the Jane Guy we were treated with all the kindness

our distressed situation demanded. In about a fortnight, during

which time we continued steering to the southeast, with gentle breezes and
 fine weather, both Peters and myself recovered entirely from the effects of 
our late privation and dreadful sufferings, and we began to remember what
 had passed rather as a frightful dream from which we had been happily 
awakened, than as events which had taken place in sober and naked reality.
 I have since found that this species of partial oblivion is 
usually brought about by sudden transition, whether from joy to sorrow or 
from sorrow to joy- the degree of forgetfulness being proportioned to the 
degree of difference in the exchange. Thus, in my own case, I now feel it 
impossible to realize the full extent of the misery which I endured during 
the days spent upon the hulk. The incidents are remembered, but not the 
feelings which the incidents elicited at the time of their occurrence. I 
only know, that when they did occur, I then thought human nature could 
sustain nothing more of agony."  -Excerpt from The Narrative of A Gordon 
Pym Of Nantucket, by Edgar Allan Poe, AD1837

 
 

Sounds like a nice dog.  Yes I am on the move and everyday is different and 
calls for new stratgies.  I did a web site for you once but I don't think 
19

I can remember what it is called.  So we can start new.  Look at 
http://geocities.com/btlsp2000/carr for starters.  And Justin's at
 http://geocities.com/btlsp2000/justpoolsandspas. Send me logos, photos, images
 from other sites and anything else you want in the pages.  I will
 have an address soon.  The job is mine and at the wage I wanted.  I'm
 going to get the Econoline Ford RV I saw in Weaverville and set up 
camp somewhere.  Maybe a little hamlet called Lewiston, not far from 
Weaverville and Redding.

Do you know how I can get the stimulus tax return immediately?

Job starts Tuesday morning the day after Memorial Day.  I plan to camp in 
Weaverville, Sunday through Thursday and return to Redding.

So I guess that's it.  I've been calling Mom.  I use her number for messages. 
 The dishwasher job I applied for in Weaverville at the Nugget came up the
 day before the AutoCAD job.  Maybe I can work 10 days.

 
 

(2008.05.15)

In Hayfork today.  Plan to camp 7 days and return to Weaverville.  Taking a 
web design class online with Shasta College starting June 2 and getting 
18

into a group of 5 or 6 people that want to start up busnesses to brain 
storm once a week.  Going to call about job, interview went well, at 2 
today.  If get job back to Redding, if no then I will continue to coast,
 eventually and up to Portland for convention and Seattle later. 
 Boston in August.  Busy, busy, busy.

 
 

Today, Wednesday, 2008, May, 14 I am in Redding for a job interview.
If I get a rejection which is possibble I will drive to Weaverville and
17
spend the remainder of the month there.  Then when I recieve June's money
I will drive to Ft Bragg and spend time there, see Lorraine.  Then I will
travel North to Oregon and the coast and Eugene and Portland and Seattle
I must establish residency somewhere soon, however for Social Security.
Maybe Medford or Grants Pass or Brookings.  All in Southern Oregon.  There
I will be able to recieve mail.

If I am hired I will settle in Anderson for May and then in Weaverville.

Did the interview.  Mike, the boss and owner of Fife Fabrication.  Second 
question was how old are you.  I think he liked me though.  One other 
person, tomorrow.  So I will stay in town until I call him tomorrow.  He 
was impressed that I did steel detailing.  Usually he hires someone and 
trains them.  He has AutoCAD 2006, must be nice!  He showed me what he 
would start me on.  A tower sculpture in the middle of an otherwise square
 building.  The architect didn't finish.  Lots of trig.  Something meaty, 
something to demonstrate my skills.  And something good to get started
 with.  I hope I get the job.  3 other detailers in the office.  He wants 
someone long term, asked how much longer I intend to work.  A welder in 
shop comutes from Weaverville, we could ride-share.

I'm going to see a movie and camp at Wal-Mart, tonight.  I was going to buy a 
watch but they want $14.  To much.  Bye for now,  Bei...............

 
 

Last night I saw Dark Victory with Betty Davis at the library.

Then I went to my camp to sleep.  Tonight I may sleep better.
The doctor
16
sent my muscle relaxants to a pharmacy where I will get 
them free.  Yesterday afternoon I attended a symposium in the library 
on ancestry.  The moderator is going to research the Tonnesen tree 
more and mail me results.  One new name came up.  
Annie Mary Yaggstrupp, my great-grandmother from Denmark.  Roland and Pearl 
were born in Utah.  Roland is listed in the 1910 census he is 9 at 
the time, along with 8 siblings including an Arthur and a Vera 
ranging in age from 6 to 21.  Their parents Tones and Annie immigrated 
from Denmark probably about 1884 on board a steamer from 
Liverpool to New York City.  Roland's mother was Annie Mary Yaggstrupp.

Tomorrow I finish the process of getting Medi-Cal at Social Services.  
I have been eating at the 
Mission every day for a week.  Except when I miss because of a 
movie at the library which ends at 8:00.  Then I eat a can of beans 
from my store in a beer box.  No one has disturbed me at the truck.  
A nice neighbor has a dog and apparently lives alone.

 
I hope to be in Medford soon.  It depends when I get the next money.  
I may stop en route in Weaverville.  Or I may go direct up I-5 
stopping at Mt Shasta, Weed, Yreka and Ashland.

 

Well it's Friday.  I completed the application process for Medi-cal, finger-
printed and photographed.  Eat at the Mission at 6:30 and off to bed.  4-
15

oclock computer at the library.  Sandra hasn't written about the job.  
That's disappointing.  Tomorrow will be humdrum.  Sunday a new Kingdom Hall!

Today sometime about noon someone invited themselves to my 2 radios from the 

back of the truck.  I was eating lunch at the Mission. no doubt.  I 
visited 
 the theropist at mental health to enlist her help getting me 
out
of Redding.  She claimed the Mission can give me gas money.  They 
didn't.
So I am stuck more days here.

I will only eat lunch at the Mission.  And insist I use the phone, 
Wednesday, 2 days away.  I'm out of gas and have moved the 
truck.

Well, Linda I got some much needed gasoline from SA but I'm not sure it's

enough to get me to Medford.  This Geodon is making me slugish.  Could hardly 
do what I had to do today.

Hi Linda.  I was on Seroquel.  Is it good?  I received the long awaited 
money.  I'll be leaving town.  They kicked me out of the hospital.  I 
14

think I'm getting something important back.  I think my plans have stalled, 
too long.  At Mother's, last I was off everything, when I went down.  When I
 work I unload, because I cannot get to a doctor, working 40 hours.  I hope 
to get to Boston in, maybe August, at the earliest.  The truck needs an oil
 change and the spare may need attention.  Medford is 150 miles, North.
  Justin must be busy, he doesn't write much.
 
Lydia left 11 years ago, after 22 years of up and down marriage and 3 sons.  
Everyone likes Lydia and, of course I am to blame for the trouble and break-
up.  I think Lucy did eventually realize Lydia's drinking was a problem. 
 And her malicious unprovoked attacks.  I think I have forgotten all 
that.  And the boys surely have.
 
I may go North, through Weaverville.  A long time ago, I must have been 8, the 
Family visited friends in Hayfork, a stone's throw.  The friends moved 
there in an RV.  It's in Trinity county, where there is lots of forest. 
 The friends were Witnesses, too but, after 10 years they defected and 
started up a radio station in Eureka and promoted their ideas.  The 
parents and son and daughter.  When my Mother took up the "Faith" and 
Father rebelled I sort of lost my connection to my Father or the 
connection was compromised, so I sacrificed having a Father to copy.
My time is up on the computer and I plan a final lunch at the Mission so good-
bye for now.
 

Hi Linda, this is easy:

1) Go to this site: http://www.geocities.com/btlsp2000/bowman

2) Open a New Window by: File/New Window from the File Menu

3) Click the "Sign In" at the right

4) Enter btlsp2000 for the "Yahoo ID"

5) Enter frenzy for the password

6) Click the "Sign In" button

7) You are in the site where all the work is done

8) Click the "Manage" button

9) Click the "File Manager" button

10) Click the "Open File Manager" button

11) Click the bowman directory:"bowman"

12) Click in the check box next to index.html

13) Click the "Edit" button

14) Here is where the code for the opening page resides

15) Click inside the "field area"(anywhere in the text)

16) Press the home key on the keybord

17) Scroll down to:

18) Delete the line:  and the line:

20) Click the "Save" button

21) Now go back to the first page: 
http://www.geocities.com/btlsp2000/bowman

22) Right click

23) Click "Refresh"

24) You have taken the "comment tags" from the code and enabled "ENTER"

25) Click on "ENTER" and you will be taken to "Page2" where we can place 
your personal photos, artwork...

That's it, congratulations!!!   (If you have any trouble we can work it out, 
isn't that a nice feeling)

The library here in Weavercille is across the street from the Ranger Station.
  Have to wait one more day for the money.  I think I am going to
13

trade in the Ford for an Econoline RV here in Weaverville/  I'll always 
have a place to live again.  RV: $1600.  Trade-in: $900.  The previous 
owner moved up to a larger RV.  I will want to register it in Oregon where 
it should be cheaper and pay California sales tax so I may have to watch 
for the fuzz the 150 miles to Medford.

A letter I penned 2 days ago:


Linda I made it to Weavercille, camped at a campground beside a creek, great! 
Lots of stars and warm.  My first day back at SMI Joist, Brandon and 
12
Tony
 dropped a huge project on my desk, mine alone.  Calculate the 
location of 100,000 holes for roof deck on a new C-130 hanger in Wyoming.
  To be drilled in joists in shop.  Forman balked,  Said he 
couldn't hold the tolerances it would take for the hole to match the deck 
panels.  I think the job was too big for him.  It is easier to drill the 
holes in the shop than on the site up on the roof as the panels are 
layed.  I used the Modulus.  Which is what is left over after dividing two 
numbers.  Like divide 3 by 2 you get 1 left.  That is a simple example but 
a real short-cut for the job to be done.  The idea was scrapped.  I felt 
good, however at doing an excellent job and in record time.

 
 

That's great Justin!  Good idea.  What coffee places do you visit?  How's the 
pool business?  How's the family?  I will get a laptop, I hope soon and 
11

get rid of my computer.

 
I'm doing much better financially.  I am in Yreka at the moment.  Headed to 
Medford just 45 minutes away!  I will get a room there and settle.  I've 
been in Weavervile a week.  Went to the meetings there.  Camped in a 
campground.  And did my first professional Web Page, 
http://www.geocities.com/btlsp2000/carr.  We'll be talking 
again,soon.

 

Hi Linda.  In Medford today.  At the college in the morning using the computer
 to apply for a Web Design teaching position and sell the TV and 
10

army sleeping bag to a pawn shop.  I am buying a more comfortable bag.  
Will you house me a couple weeks while I go out your way?  United flight 
is $279, Greyhound $210 and Amtrak $300.
 
I would go about the 13th and arrive 4 days later if I go Greyhound.  That way 
I can see more of the country.  Called Mom last night.  Someone with a job 
offer called.  I have been leaving her phone number.  Going to call this 
morning.

 
 

2007.dec
It snowed today.  When it snows in the Sierra, the Truckee swells.
Bill must get new snow shoes.  Bill has been dropping the ball
9
these days.
Bill plans a 7 day trip to Medford, Oregon.  He will fish and hike
and camp the 3 days.  He will stop in Boise, Idaho on the way back
to Reno.  He intends to rent a car from Enterprise for the trip.
His Ford is running hot.  A girl at Singles.net wants to see Alaska.
Bill wants to see the Amazon and Rio.

reno:
Reno residents take the bus and wear jeans.  There are no Blacks
in Reno.  Bill logs Online at the library, 2 blocks away.  The
8
attendant is computer sauvy and Bill gets tips from her.  To spend
the time Bill does calculus problems and designs Web pages and 
dreams of being a web page designer.
Bill got his Disabiliy Id, so his bus trips around town are $0.85.
Bill's room is on the fourth floor and looks West.  He watches
for approahing storms coming over the Sierra.  Bill's bath enjoys
some pluses.  Shower curtain.  Miss givings: hot water-clockwise, 
temperature difficult to adjust.

experience:
Bill had a dreadfull experience one night.  He drove to the Mission
Shelter and ate dinner, spagetii and cole slaw at 4:30.  Afterward
7
a van took a load of men and Bill to a warehouse near the airport,
where Bill slept the night.  The large room was, too warm, but the
cussion was comfortable.  The men and Bill were awakened at 4:30 AM
and driven back to the shelter, whereupon Bill reentered the web of
Reno.  He will, not repeat the experience.  Instead he will sleep
in his truck, nights and eat burritos.

Upon arriving Reno, Bill has lots to do:
  1  address change
  2  bank account
  3  register at Reno Mental Health
  4  lose weight
  5  spend less
  6  find a good auto mechanic
  7  shop every 5 days

Bill's not been feeling well.  He's going to take up bowling and
continue his search for a companion at Singles.com.
 
 

(2008.jan)
no one:
God blesses the industrious.  So Bill has shifted into hyper-
speed.  Bill's been crying a lot these days and has more
6
anxiety forwhich he takes Atavan.
I've told no one.  I'm in Sydney.  I've taken a postion at my
favorite profession.  I have a room near the office.  I take
the bus or walk.  Long ago, when I was 20 a close friend and
fellow employee told me to go to Australia.  At 56 it will
not be easy.

cowboys and girls:
Residents of Reno are all cowboys.  They wear no boots or
Stetsons, they are cowboys, non-the-less.  To get anwhere at
5
the kingdom hall,  Bill will have to get rid of the beard.
But it looks, so good and he keeps the neck shaved.  Sexy.
Bill used the word in conversation, once, and Justin scolded 
him.  Is sexy, now a four-letter word?

"I rode my bicycle once from Carson City to Reno, one
summer day."
"Is that all?"
"I stopped at the Factory for chocolate and apply for
the janitor gig."

"Where are you from stranger?"
"Lake Crowley."
Where is Lake Crowley?"
"14 miles South of Mammoth Lakes."
"Where is Mammoth Lakes?"
"14 miles North of Lake Crowley."

ruthann:
"I'm not a grifter"  Bill exits the bus and walks to Citibank.
He asks the teller for the bank's routing number and leaves.
4
Now he saunters next door to the Black Bear.  He orders a coffee
and water at the counter.
"It's just coffee,"  says the waitress as Bill leaves.  Coffee,
free.
The day before.  Ruthann insists it's not true when Bill says
she's beautiful.  She dresses for an interview.  She's stunning

in stockings and heels.  It's August 8, afternoon.  Bill ties
up Coleen.  Bill runs away.  He hits the road.  Bill has enjoyed
6 months with Ruthann.  And her 3 boys.  But the relationship
is plutonic.  Bill hitchhikes North along 395.
For three months Ruthann works for an ogar, an atheist,
while Bill sits her 3 boys, for which he's paid a handsome
$6.00 an hour by the state.  Ruthann and Bill get his
finger prints registered at the local police station.
Ruthann trips Bill up when she enters the room from the shower
with a towel.  Bill and Ruthann go to all her softball games,
except the ones where Bill stays home and tucks the kids
into bed.  He falls asleep in the chair with his shoes off.
Bill wakes in his motor home and walks down to the house and
starts coffee and drives the boys to the bus stop.  Ruthann
holds Bill's knees with her feet under the dinner table.  She
joins Bill and the boys on the floor for a Monopoly game and
touches Bill's feet with her's.
Bill will never stop loving Lydia.  They parted 10 years ago,
but not before having 3 wonderful boys, Wesley, Malcolm and
Justin.  They move to San Diego, but Bill can't keep a job and
the depression and paranoia return and the family is doomed.
He can't get out of bed, 3 months and won't eat.  He recovers,
but the wounds have been inflicted.
"That cowboy crap don't fool nobody,"-Dustin Hoffman-"Midnight
Cowboy"-1969  Bill walks the strip all night or sleeps in the park
a long 6 days and 7 nights.  Bank of America refuses to  accept
his out of state bank card Ruthann wants to, but his mother
won't send him bus fare to return home.  Bill has run away
to Las Vegas.
Bill has returned to the Kingdom Hall.
"And why does he dress like a Bible salesman"x x-American Beauty-2002.
One balmy Saturday night in December the flag on top of the
Sienna building falls limp, shifting ever so slightly.
 
                       james taylor
 
 

(2008.Feb)
Tourists invade Reno and pump thier dollors into the economy.
Bill heads South on the 395 out of Carson City, in December with
a sleeping bag and the shirt on his back.  A truck pulls over.
3
Bill climbs in.  In the passenger seat sits a kid traveling
South after 2 years in Alaska.  The driver lets the kid and Bill off
at the main road just past Lake Topaz.  The driver's Bible rests
on the dash-board.
The kid disappears in the dark.  Bill prepares his mind for a night
in the cold in his bag.  It will keep him warm at 19 degrees Farenheit.
Bill looks North in the developing fog.  2 lights appear dimly.
A truck pulls over.  Bill gets in.  The driver appears suspicious.
He doesn't look at Bill but speaks.  It appears he will lean to the
right and touch Bill at any moment.  Bill steels himself for a
jump from the vehicle.
His benefactor lets him off 150 miles later at the road to
Lake Crowley.  Bill counts himself lucky.
 
               What would Clint Eastwood do?
 
 

(2008.March)
I think I love Lamictal.  I have plans!  I'm going to throw what was
normal to the wind.  I may have to work hard.  My back's been hurting
2
me.  Hospital wrote a script for Vicadin.
I'm going to spend 6 months in the great studio I found in Reno.
Maybe get a handle on the back, then 6 months alternating between
San Bernardino, in a room somewhere at weekly rates and 2 weeks
traveling, bedding down in the back of the truck.  I'll work my way
to Boston, a 6 month stint, fanning out the 6 month 2 weeks/2 weeks
in the North East and Canada.  First though, 6 months in Cheyanne
and trips to Montana and Illinois.

THEN, to AUSTRALIA.  Live on the run, I'll loose the SSD.  But Sydney
and far away is appealing, since I am always running.  I'm waking up,
I've been brain-dead.  I've got a lot to give and a lot to achieve.
Yes, I've failed my Family endlessly.  Perhaps they will forgive me.
I will explain.
 
 

(2008.january)
Well I locked myself out of the room, today.  I set up the boy's
pictures on the computer table.  I built the table this month.
1
Home
I want to build more to keep the legs straight and separtated.
I unlock the door and walk in and switch the tv to video and play
"Midnight Cowboy".  Throw the last burrito on the frying pan and
swig a gulp from the half gallon jug on the counter.  Netzero should
arrive today in the mail.  Terri was glad to see me, she said I could
keep the key.  That's twice I pick up the Sierra Spirit and tour town.
I'm happy I chose the Studio to live in.  I may like to sail up to
Juneu and stay awhile.  I'm eager to put a new engine into the Toyota,
save gas.  The library opens tomorrow.  I'll return the six dvd's and
2 texts on Web design.  Monday my new Payee meets me at the Social
Security office on Harvard, where we get the checks going, again.
That night I'll begin eating again with a dinner at the Sparks truck
stop.